Who ate all the pies?
Many things contribute to the enjoyment a visit of a football ground. For the young, it is simply seeing your team win; for older supporters, it may be a fortnightly chance to slag off the lightweight in the team or to blame the manager or board for everything that goes wrong. For FootballCynic, it’s all about the quality of the beer in the nearest pub, the quality of the pies in the ground and the witticisms in the chants of the away fans. Oh, and a bit of decent football.
FootballCynic recently made a first visit to Wigan Athletic. Sure enough, sat beside an angry fat fan wearing the Wigan Athletic shirt (why do fat people look so silly in replica shirts?), FootballCynic was treated to repeated shrieks of “Martinez, sub him, he’s rubbish”. Having gone through the entire team, Mr Angry With Replica Shirt started back on each player in turn. He was heard to advise his wife, who seemed to spend most of the game with her head in her hands, that he would have hit a “reverse pass”, “switched the play” and “taken on the full back”. The thought of Mr AWRS taking on a full back for pace was bordering on farce.
As Wolves ran out comfortable 1-0 winners at whatever the JJB Stadium is now called, FootballCynic was more concerned about the pies really. A dubious pint before the game seemed to be constituted of cream with bubbles on top. Still, it was only £1.95. However, the steak pie that followed just before kick off was devoid of any steak, it would seem. Pies are important. Sunderland’s fans speak highly of their pies, but league status is not aligned to the pie league tables, as Carlisle United figure highly assuming you like meat and potato pies. In Scotland, Queen of the South and East Fife have bragging rights, it would seem, whilst at Charlton Athletic gristle seems to be a problem. Leeds United may be a tough ground for visitors to face, but the chicken balti pies are apparently unbeatable. Which begs the question “Who ate all the pies?”
FootballCynic recently made a first visit to Wigan Athletic. Sure enough, sat beside an angry fat fan wearing the Wigan Athletic shirt (why do fat people look so silly in replica shirts?), FootballCynic was treated to repeated shrieks of “Martinez, sub him, he’s rubbish”. Having gone through the entire team, Mr Angry With Replica Shirt started back on each player in turn. He was heard to advise his wife, who seemed to spend most of the game with her head in her hands, that he would have hit a “reverse pass”, “switched the play” and “taken on the full back”. The thought of Mr AWRS taking on a full back for pace was bordering on farce.
As Wolves ran out comfortable 1-0 winners at whatever the JJB Stadium is now called, FootballCynic was more concerned about the pies really. A dubious pint before the game seemed to be constituted of cream with bubbles on top. Still, it was only £1.95. However, the steak pie that followed just before kick off was devoid of any steak, it would seem. Pies are important. Sunderland’s fans speak highly of their pies, but league status is not aligned to the pie league tables, as Carlisle United figure highly assuming you like meat and potato pies. In Scotland, Queen of the South and East Fife have bragging rights, it would seem, whilst at Charlton Athletic gristle seems to be a problem. Leeds United may be a tough ground for visitors to face, but the chicken balti pies are apparently unbeatable. Which begs the question “Who ate all the pies?”
I am rather embarrassed by the picture of me in the 1970s eating a pie. Of course, Lady Knobhead's strict diet of pulses and lentils has changed my physique and I now look entirely different and rather fit for my age I would say. My only question to you, Mr Football Cynic, is why the hell did you drink beer and eat a pie in Lancashire in the first place? Surely continuing to Carlisle would have been sensible. (FootballCynic writes: Carlisle is a long way to go to check out a pie. Surely, a pie with potato in it is a pastie, thus disqualifying it from the topic. Next subject: sausages.)
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Aha now you are talking, Mr F.C. I do like a good Harrods pork, leek and tarragon sausage. Sadly, these do not seem to be on the menu at most football grounds. We seemed to be stuck with 'hot dogs' which are somewhat pink in colour for my liking and of dubious origin. Mark you, at Stevenage Town, I am reliably told that a hot dog is a good quality sausage from Marks & Sparks. (FootballCynic writes: To FootballCynic's knowledge, Walton & Hersham offer the finest selection of quality homemade sausages, although FootballCynic has never had the privilege of tasting Stevenage Town's best offerings - but thanks for the info. With the greatest respect, it's probably best, Lord Knobhead, that you don't refer to FootballCynic as "Mr F.C." - even though some readers have given their candid opinions through unpublishable comments.)
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Profound apologies, Footballcynic, if any offence was caused by referring to you as MR F C (which also looks Minehead Rangers Football Club). I'll get one of the maids to send over some Harrods pork leek and tarragon sausages as a peace offering. (FootballCynic writes: I think you'll find, Lord Knobhead, that Minehead Rangers are people in green uniforms that force the public at Butlins to play stupid games. No sign of the pork, leek and tarragon sausages yet!)
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Dontcha know that pies are at scunthrope beter than anywhere else - warning alert for pies at grimsby tho (FootballCynic writes: Thanks for the advice to all our readers, Pieman. Presumably they are fish pies at Grimsby. At last FootballCynic has found a reason to visit Scunthorpe)
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