Have you ever arrived at a hotel in a foreign city that you have never visited before at 11.05 pm in desperate need of food and liquid? FootballCynic has. At check-in, there was no booking under the name of Mr FootballCynic. FootballCynic shows the frumpy lady his booking and she beams a horrible smile that is really quite scary. "It is OK, Mr FootballCynic" she spits. "I vill upgrade you". Placated, FootballCynic heads off to the lift. The plastic key doesn't work, so it's back down to reception asking for another one. Beaming smile says "Vot is wrong with zit?" "Well, it doesn't work" explains FootballCynic. No smile now and another key is supplied.

After a successful entry to the room, it is hard to imagine how you can be upgraded to a cupboard. It's time for a cuppa and room service though. No, there is no tea or coffee. Oh well, it will have to be a beer. Hell, the fridge is locked. Why is it there if it is locked? OK, a drink with the room service meal. The menu is translated into English and an unappealing picture of a beefburger is best of a poor choice for FootballCynic.

"Dinner meals stop at elf Uhr" comes the reply. FootballCynic's reply about not giving flying whatevers about what the elves may want is wasted on the man who seems to be putting on an increasingly exaggerated German accent. FootballCynic tries for the all day breakfast, but it is only available when bats are asleep. Why isn't it called When Bats Are Asleep Breakfast? A bottle of water and some horrible biscuits have to suffice.

And so to bed. Have you ever been in a room where you switch off lights on the aeroplane dashboard, but one light won't go off? It happened. After 15 minutes, another phone call to reception. "Yes, you need to turn ze light off" replies the idiot. Fortunately, the bulb can be removed, although FootballCynic breaks it in the process.

This all happened in Wolfsburg; FootballCynic's only visit to the dreary city,which sounds much nicer when you read that it sits on the River Aller in Lower Saxony. God, it is dull. Very dull and so are the people. Wolfsburg deserves to be twinned with Luton. It probably deserves to be twinned with Togliatti in Russia too, but FootballCynic cannot be bothered to find out. That is why FootballCynic is hoping dreary little Fulham stuff Wolfsburg by a huge margin. And, after their amazing win against the mighty Juventus earlier this week, who's to say that they will not go all the way.

Note to Roy Hodgson: If you are reading this, Roy, FootballCynic's consultancy fees for travel advice are very reasonable.
Below: Roy worries about which hotel to use in Wolfsburg.