With the season fast approaching, FootballCynic understands that Newcastle United are about to boot into touch its kit manufacturers, Adidas. Players are furious that the training kit comes with a padded area around the stomach which an Adidas spokesman has described as "state of the art design to ensure that the players' stomachs keep warm in the hard northern winters". Newcastle's former sports scientist, who also worked for Adidas, had discovered that keeping stomachs warm improves players' ability by 5%.

Newcastle United were at first delighted with the new design, but have since changed tack as senior professional, Sol Campbell, has lashed out at fans because the kit has made him look a little bulky. Meanwhile, Sol, who has just returned from his honeymoon in Cornwall, described himself as "a naturally big guy" and, in the next sentence, the fans as "idiots". Sol claims the same sport scientist advised him to make the most of his Cornish honeymoon by eating as many pasties as possible. "The ingredients of a pasty", he was told, "are ideal for athletes to be ready to reach peak condition". FootballCynic suspects he will be a fat load of good and that the now sacked sports scientist comes from Sunderland.