FootballCynic finds himself in Darwin, Northern Territory, Australia – the “NT” of Qantas, no less. Briefly staring out to sea, a local sneaked up behind him and said “It’s proper remote here, mate.” He continued “See that headland over there.” FootballCynic nodded. “Imagine that two times the distance, then four times the distance and keep doubling it ‘til you come to a thousand.”

It seemed churlish at this stage to point out that doubling two eventually comes to 1024 rather than 1000. Besides, Hughie Green used to double your money and somehow got from £64 to £125, unless you had to open the box, and no one complained.

“Now, you can imagine where Cairns is – the next city”, he remarked as FootballCynic returned from powers of two to geography. “That can’t be right” FootballCynic thought. “If the headland is, say, 5 miles, it’s not 5,000 miles to Cairns despite the huge remoteness of continent Australia.

FootballCynic hrrumphed at the non-mathematician and worried more about incontinence than continent Australia as three rapid schooners of Toohey were, shall we say, weighing uncomfortably.

The bar where the schooners were consumed was typical Oz. Four TV screens – three showing different sports (all with sound) and one which showed some form of gambling that was too difficult to follow. The one showing football (or, soccer, if you really must) was showing what looked like a Rymans League clash between Boreham Wood and Sutton United – and, perhaps, that’s unfair to the Ryman Leaguers. In fact, it was a Premier League game in Australia, where ball control was entirely replaced by commitment. The highlight was an own goal by a player whose shirt seemed to bear the name Smorgasbord. Running toward his own goal, a defender had drawn his own keeper (not on an easel, of course), and deftly curled the ball round the hairy stopper. Fortunately, the long leg of Mr Smorgasbord temporarily saved it from going into the net, but his effort hit the back of the prone hairy keeper, allowing Mr Smorgasbord to dribble into his own goal with his legs flying in all directions. His final flourish was to hammer the ball just after it had crossed the line into the net and collapse into the netting. You could say he made a meal of it.

This weekend, Bournemouth travel to Carlisle United – one of the longest distances in the league with a round trip of 780 miles. Travelling fans of Bournemouth should look into the distance, take a square of the distance, divide it by their league position, double it and multiply by pi and hope that Mr Smorgasbord is not transferred on loan to their club before the game. Now, time for another Tooheys in a bar with, it would seem, five sports.