Football Cynic

Football Terms For Beginners

2010-03-05T18:07:00Z

Students at the University of FootballCynic have been working hard this week and spending their time in a fruitful way. They have produced a list of football terms to help non-football experts to understand more about the World Cup when it starts in June. So, over to our educated ones at the University of FootballCynic.....

Game of two halves – A game that is not abandoned
He finished in style – International star wearing expensive clothes in a night club at 4am
Wide man – outside right or outside left
Wide boy – football agent
Impact sub – an underwater vessel that crashes
Running down the clock – Time wasting
Then it all kicked off – Friday night in a rough pub
Terry’s All Gold – Modern day Midas who turns part of his anatomy to gold after touching a bridge
Toll bridge – If John Terry had had to pay for it
Aerial advantage – The most powerful and most expensive SatNav system used by highest paid pros
He’s lost the dressing room – A regularly sacked manager forgets which club he is managing after a drunken night
Hospital ball – Very light ball used in a geriatric word for a 5-a-side game
He’ll be disappointed with that – Leading striker clears the stand
Box to box player – Runs all over the pitch but never touches the ball
Setting out their stall – Team of greengrocers who play football
He’s got two feet – Pretty much any footballer
A good time to score – Somewhere between the 1st and 90th minute
He couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo – An overpaid foreign striker
Getting a result – Winning, drawing or losing
Taking it one game at a time – Any game of football – ever tried playing two games at a time?
He gives 110% every time – Manager discussing headless chicken

No draws at Tiptree United

2010-03-01T21:27:00Z

Tiptree is a small place in Essex that has some interesting things about it. The village has a windmill and is known around the world for its jam, which is made at the local Wilkin & Sons factory. As for the form of their local football team, Tiptree United, it's wins or losses only. Tiptree United have still not drawn a game, having won 6 and lost 14 of their 20 games in the Essex League. Their club website merely shows their club badge with the fine Latin motto "Virtute non aliter" which roughly translates as "by virtue, not otherwise". When things go well for Tiptree United, they seem to go very well. In three of their wins they have knocked in four goals against Basildon United, Eton Manor and Bowers & Pitsea. With gates of between 20 and 63 filling the terraces at Tiptree United, the locals will be hoping for some solid results - and even a few draws - to keep out of the relegation spots. Curiously, if you look for Tiptree United on Facebook, you find a rear view of a naked man (also with no drawers), who is presumably Simon Rasmussen - and, it would seem, a keen fan and one of the hardcore 20.

Portsmouth's Premier Club

2010-02-24T09:56:00Z

As last ditch meetings are held to try to save Portsmouth, United Services Porrtsmouth FC of the Wessex Division 1 are preparing to become Portsmouth's premier team. Things are going fine at United Services Portsmouth as the team sit comfortably in mid-table. Indeed, mid-table mediocrity seems to cover the club's entire history since the club formed in 1986. If there is a worry, it is a quote from President, Micky Steele-Badger, on their website, who says "I have no doubt at all that we will go from strength to strength and will face the next hundred years with confidence". Now, that kind of comment seems all too familiar in Portsmouth. The Club will need to bounce back from a 6-1 hammering from table-topping, Fawley, but we soon expect the usual stream of draws, narrow defeats and narrow wins. What price would Portsmouth fans pay for mediocrity right now? Surely, they won't be daft enough to buy 10% of the club only to see it pay some tax bills before the club folds.

The Four Tops

2010-02-21T20:49:00Z

Rumours abound that the fourth Champions League spot will be subject to a play off. An FA spokesman has exclusively told FootballCynic.com that a new play off system will take place involving the fourth placed teams in each division. On current placings, this would mean that Tottenham Hotspur, Swansea City, Charlton Athletic and Chesterfield would contest the fourth European spot. The FA believe that the change will create more interest across the country. It has been revealed that a previous to plan to allow the four worst teams in the country to compete was against the spirit of a Champions League even though "it would be nice for the fans".

Tough times for teams with four words that do not have ampersands or initials but might have hyphens

2010-02-17T17:00:00Z

Teams with names comprised of four words that do not include an ampersand, any initials or the word ‘Club’ are few and far between. In fact, there are only seven playing in the pyramid system. Amongst these, you will find Greenalls Padgate St Oswalds, a team which plays in the Cheshire League. It’s been a tough season for Greenalls Padgate St Oswalds, who are in 13th place in a league of 15 teams. A recent draw at fellow strugglers, Styal, and a win against Garswood United has helped their cause. The return game against Garswood United gives Greenalls Padgate St Oswalds the chance to push up the table – possibly overtaking the interestingly named Linotype Cheadle HN and the no nonsense sounding Billinge.

If you disallow teams with ‘old’ or ‘St’ in their names, the list drops to a mere two teams. Firstly, there is East Cowes Victoria Athletic. Their story is similar to Greenalls Padgate St Oswalds. They are three from bottom in the Sydenham Wessex League Division 1 having suffered three consecutive narrow defeats. The other one is Chester Le Street Town – and, this is where the arguments start. Is it Chester-le-Street or Chester le Street? Mr Wikipedia thinks that it has hyphens whereas the cricketers of the town think that it doesn’t. The Football Club thinks it has hyphens whereas the league it plays in doesn’t think it does. Anyhow, FootballCynic has decided to include it in the list of four-worders, but their successes seem to be as few as the other teams with four words, struggling with 26 points from 28 games in the Northern League. Below Chester-le-Street Town (or Chester le Street Town) scoring against Billingham Symphonia.

From Wigan Athletic to Notts County

2010-02-11T16:35:00Z

The FootballCynic Statistical Centre has been working extra hours to come up with the longest string of names that is possible from the 92 clubs. The rules are simple, the first letter of each team must be the same as the last letter of the previous team in the list and no team must be repeated. It's boring that the big four get into this list. And, here they are for those who are fascinated by such trivia.

Wigan Athletic
Charlton Athletic
Chelsea
Arsenal
Liverpool
Leeds United
Derby County
Yeovil Town
Newcastle United
Doncaster Rovers
Sunderland
Dagenham & Redbridge
Everton
Nottingham Forest
Tottenham Hotspur
Reading
Gillingham
Manchester United
Darlington
Northampton Town
Notts County.

Coastal storms

2010-02-08T23:15:00Z

Supporters of Conference South teams are starting to worry about their away days next season. Trips to the coast always make away games more attractive to non league supporters, but the Conference South is in danger of losing three teams next season if the bottom three of Lewes, Weston super Mare and Weymouth Town do not recover quickly. The other coastal team, Dover Athletic, are performing better and Eastleigh who play near to the coast close to Southampton Airport look to be safe. Most of the division is comprised of teams from the Home Counties, but it is topped by Newport County with Bath City close to the play offs. Worcester City and Dorchester Town may be candidates for the drop if any of the coastal teams recover. Below, the Weston super Mare ground.

Stag Party

2010-02-04T08:36:00Z

Mansfield Town Chairman, Andrew Perry, has made an offer to the locals of Mansfield that they can't refuse. For this week's game against Gateshead, supporters can pay what they like to watch the game sitting in any seat except those occupied by season ticket holders. The offer even applies to visiting fans, although FootballCynic wonders whether supporters should pay after the match rather than before. The idea could be extended, perhaps, to allow supporters to vote on how much each player should be paid that week. Supporters of Chelsea might vote to give John Terry a mere £50,000 this week, for example. Further, the price of a hot dog could be on a pay-what-you-want basis.

It's been a turnround for Mansfield Town. They are under new management and are currently in a play off place in the Conference hoping for a swift return to League action. It doesn't seem so long ago that there were protests there when the owners could have charged good money for to let the supporters out before the game ended as you can see from the picture below.

The Tops are bottom

2010-01-23T10:33:00Z

It is always sad to see a team at this stage of the season in bottom place without a point. This season, Coulsdon United have lost all 21 games in the Combined Counties Division 1. The team, known affectionately as The Tops, are having a bad time. If you go to their website, you see a glimmer of hope as the headline news tells the world that "Many new faces have joined the cause to compliment Terry Russell as Manager and a new structure has been set up with a management team of very experienced and qualified people". It's only when you realise that the news was last updated in July 2009 that you can see that The Tops are spinning.

In their last game, Coulsdon United almost ripped up the form book when they lost 2-1 to Crescent Rovers at home. Their next game is at home to struggling Croydon Municipal, who are a mere 19 points ahead. So, why not starting cheering this team on - there may be a new management team in place by now. And, anyway, there is plenty of room in the stand if you want to come along (see below).

Sir Alex congratulates Tevez on his performance

2010-01-22T00:05:00Z

Sir Alex Ferguson was full of praise for his former player, Carlos Tevez, after the 2-1 defeat to Manchester City in the League Cup semi-final. In a touching scene at the end of the game, Tevez donned his old Manchester United shirt and hugged a smiling Sir Alex. However, in a post-match interview, it is rumoured that Tevez revealed that "I cannot speak the English well, but Gary Neville is a maggot cleaner and his mother is made of nasty insects". The FA are apparently going to investigate the incident, as it appeared that Gary Neville made a gesture to Tevez after one of his goals. The FA are thought to be considering imposing a £20 fine on Manchester United for the incident.

Stoke City to change shirts

2010-01-18T10:15:00Z

It appears that the winter has caused a big problem at Stoke City. Now that the ball is regularly getting wet, it seems that star, Rory Delap, can no longer get the same accuracy with his throw-ins.

It seems, though, that a solution has been found. Initially, Stoke City considered changing their shirts to sponges so that it would absorb any surplus water on the ball before Delap took a throw-in. This plan was nearly given the go ahead until a training session in rain revealed that players were carrying an extra two stone in weight. However, a solution has been found. Stoke City will shortly be changing to a J-Cloth material. It is likely that fans will object to playing in light blue, but manager, Tony Pulis, puts results as a priority. Expect an offical announcement any time.

Pool of talent

2010-01-17T10:13:00Z

Let’s say that you are 35 now and in 30 years’ time, you are retired and decide to go to the pub for a football quiz. The tie breaker is to name the Liverpool that drew 1-1 with Stoke City in January 2010. The brain doesn’t work quite so quickly, but you remember that Gerrard and Torres were missing. Reina suddenly comes into the head fairly quickly as does Carragher. Then, there is a void. Ngog jumps into the head suddenly as it always amused you that Ngog is an anagram of gong – that’s why it rang a bell you muse. You remember a Greek-sounding chap that began with K, but you are not even close to spelling it correctly. There is a faint memory of a bloke called Sensua and another called Dragon – and after some effort, Allergia or something, but you are struggling. You try to picture the subs bench and you cannot even picture a face. You remember your Dad listing the Liverpool FA Cup winning team of 1965 and wish it was that question – Lawrence, Lawler, Byrne, Strong, Yeats, Stevenson, Callaghan, Hunt, Smith, Thompson. In fact, your Mum tells you that you were nearly named Lawrence Lawler Byrne etc. You would win the tie break. You see an advert for Pepsi Max in the bar and suddenly Maxi jumps into the head – and yes, Reina, Carragher, Ngog and Maxi is enough to win the tie break 4-3 over your quiz opponents. You win the quiz and reflect on Liverpool’s demise. Their 4-0 defeat at Rochdale last week in the Super Championship, also known as the fourth tier, makes you realise how far they have fallen.

Pressing home their advantage

2010-01-16T12:06:00Z

If you were asked to name the oldest club still playing that is affiliated to the Cambridgeshire FA, you would probably plump for Cambridge United or Cambridge City, but you would be wrong.Cambridge University Press FC are the oldest club as they were founded in 1893 - more than 10 years before their illustrious neighbours. Cambridge University Press were interestingly the first team to play at the Abbey Stadium when Cambridge United were still called Abbey United. This season, Cambridge University Press are leading the Kershaw Cambridge Football Association County Premier Division with 12 wins and 4 draws from 16 games. With Whittlesford United seven points adrift having played two more games, Cambridge United Press just need to, well, press on as promotion looks to be more or less booked.

Rushden & Diamonds & Poppies

2010-01-10T08:47:00Z

All is not well at Kettering Town. Although the club is on the edge of the play offs to gain entry to the Football League, Kettering Town are threatened with being homeless when their lease expires. Chairman Imraan Ladak, who has been received a FA ban, now seems to be too busy conducting other business deals to worry about Kettering Town and volunteers are running the club. He has stated though that he thinks it will be in the interests of Kettering Town to merge with another club or, at least, ground share. Surely, this couldn't be local rivals, Rushden & Diamonds, who are based a stone's throw down the A6 in Irtlingborough. Meanwhile, Kettering Town are two places ahead of Rushden & Diamonds and next week The Poppies play host to their pals down the A6. Let's hope The Poppies' fans give them a real hand.

Old Firm clash threatened by weather

2010-01-06T05:52:00Z

On Saturday, it's the big one when Farsley Celtic entertain Stafford Rangers at the cheerfully named Throstle Nest. For the folks of Pudsey, it's the visit to the Celts of the 'Gers from Stafford. This Blue Square North clash is, of course, threatened by the weather, but for the two teams locked closely together just below half way, it could signal the turning point of their seasons. Farsley Celtic have not played a league game since December 5th when they recorded their third successive league win over Redditch United. However, Christmas sales at the club shop have been good, as that old favourite, the Celtic cuff links, are completely sold out. At Stafford Rangers, either sales are down or stocks are high as the 1979 Wembley Retro Shirt can still be snapped for £25. A win for Stafford Rangers will see them leapfrog over Farsley Celtic, but you can never tell what will happen at an Old Firm game.

FootballCynic.Com back to life

2010-01-01T07:14:00Z

FootballCynic regrets to inform readers that FootballCynic HQ has been closed for the Christmas break. Frankly, FootballCynic is angry. The staff at FootballCynic HQ are paid well and all received nice hampers for Christmas. Unfortunately, without telling anyone they set off to Dublin for 2 weeks on what can only be described as a binge. This obviously has disappointed a lot of avid readers. My old friend, Harry, told me to chill out an not let it affect me, but FootballCynic has been let down by his talented research team. The best they could do before they went on their trip was this article - Predictions for 2010....

1. Megson will be sacked as Bolton manager in January
2. Man City will spend a load of money in January
3. Mourinho won't be coming back to England in 2010

This is, of course, sloppy work and a new team will be in place soon. Happy New Year!

World Cup 2018 venues announced

2009-12-17T11:05:00Z

Lord Mawhinney has announced the venues that will be used in the event of England hosting the 2018 World Cup. Onlookers were amazed as Lord Mawhinney announced the list "in no particular order". The venues are Leyton Orient, Milton Keynes, Lands End County, Pease Pottage Village, Torquay United, Berwick Rangers and Brodsworth Miners Welfare. Lord Mawhinney explained the reasons for the choices. He said "It is important that top level football is played in the capital city - and Leyton Orient with its rich history fits the bill perfectly. He assured everyone that Milton Keynes would be a popular venue and would be loved by tourists. Torquay United was selected as being a nice seaside resort whilst Berwick Rangers had been chosen to remind everyone that it was not in Scotland. Pease Pottage Village had been chosen as a result of a poll on the FootballCynic.com website while Brodsworth Miners had won their application thanks to local support. The surprise choice was Lands End County. Lord Mawhinney revealed that Lands End County would be a new club that would represent the South West - "a hotbed of football" as he described it later. It is understood that Lands End United County will be a new club like MK Dons, which will be formed when Notts County move to Lands End in the summer of 2010. Rumours abound that the club is being bought by Sven Goran Eriksson and Lord Knobhead of Knebworth moving the club to a multi-million purpose-built stadium at the popular tourist spot. Below, Mawhinney at the new secretly built Lands End Stadium (shortly to be renamed the Coca Cola MaWhinney Lidl Stadium)

Ryan Giggs wins X-Factor

2009-12-13T21:08:00Z

TV audiences around the country were astounded when Ryan Giggs was named as winner of the 2009 X-Factor competition. A surprised Ryan Giggs muttered "I never expected to win this". Meanwhile, on BBC, 18-year-old Joe McElderry was voted Sports Personality of The Year. It is thought that voting between the competitions had become confused. "Surely, Ryan should be SPOTY", said one journalist. The Queen presented the award to Ryan commending him for his wonderful singing.

Stanley Gibbons

2009-12-12T18:51:00Z

Matches between any of the 12 founder members of the Football League are always interesting, but today the only two playing in League 2 battled away at Meadow Lane. In the end, Accrington Stanley won 2-1 at the home of Sol Campbell's ex-team mates, Notts County. Accrington Stanley re-entered the Football League in 2006 and are now on the verge of the League Two play-offs. Their recent re-entry to the Football League meant that all 12 of the founder members are now enjoying league football. At Notts County, things are not so clear. As Munto Finance hand over the reins to Peter Trembling, the fans could be forgiven for, well, trembling with fear. Whether Sven leads Notts County to the Premiership as planned will remain questionable. However, hats off to Accrington Stanley, a team that no one has a bad word for.

Christmas shopping at Darlington FC

2009-12-09T11:17:00Z

It's always tempting to shop online for Christmas presents. At struggling Darlington, they have made an offer you can't refuse. They may be bottom of League 2 with 8 points, but if you are stuck for a present for Aunt Maud, who lives in Eastbourne, look no further than the Club's website. Now, a club that is doing so badly on the field may not have the best players in the land, but their front page hits you with "Buy Player As A Gift." What's more a player costs less than10p per day. It makes you wonder whether they are attracting the right level of talent to the Club.Frustratingly, finding out more about the club is difficult and requires logins. Is this the problem? Can the potential punters not find out when their team is playing?

Things are not going well for Darlington. The Feethams always seemed an interesting name for a football ground, but their new ground has had several names since its opening in 2003. It was originally known as The Reynolds Arena, after the club's owner, George Reynolds, a money launderer (and we don't mean he owned a string of launderettes in the North East). The new stadium was unimaginatively renamed The New Stadium before changing to The Williamson Motors Stadium and then The 96.6 TFM Darlington Arena. It is now called The Balfour Webnet Darlington Arena, which all goes to show that too much is not good. Let's hope that The Quakers can find their feet - or even their Feethams - in 2010.

Below, Darlington at The Feethams.

Now we can forget about the World Cup for a while

2009-12-05T08:54:00Z

As the world wakes up to the news of the World Cup draw, we can safely say that most Americans have no idea that their country has been drawn to play against England in Group C. And we are not saying, of course, that it is the fine detail of which group. Anyhow, the draw has been completed and we can thankfully all forget about the World Cup until June next year. Unlike any national newspapers, FootballCynic.com last week was able to reveal exclusively that France would play in South Africa's group. Today, the journalists have had to cancel their 'Group of Death' headlines, as the draw seems so favourable to England, but Mr Capello is fast to tell us that there are no easy games. FootballCynic is sure that England can make them look difficult - and the latest on BBC News is that Algeria are technically one of the best teams in the competition because they beat Egypt.

Tension builds as World Cup 2010 draw approaches

2009-12-03T09:12:00Z

As usual, there is bitter wrangling over the World Cup organisation. A last ditch plan is being hatched by the Irish FA to secure a place in the finals in South Africa. The Irish FA has challenged the ranking system, which also contributes to the seeding in the finals. In an interesting proposal, the Irish believe that countries with higher than average rainfall should be given extra points to compensate them for the heavy grounds they have to play on. The representation also suggests that countries beginning with ‘I’ should get extra points in their qualifying groups. Italy and Israel have seconded this proposal whilst the Cote d’Ivoire representative is assuring Sepp Blattter that the country is usually known as the Ivory Coast. The moves are rumoured to be receiving serious attention by FIFA and could mean a change in the final 32 finalists. France, however, may object to the plans unless they can be assured of a place in South Africa’s group. It is believed French objections may have been quelled. Sepp Blatter says that the Irish FA’s request to have ten extra officials behind the goal into which France are kicking has been rejected as ‘frivolous’.

Good ONU

2009-12-01T08:21:00Z

Old Newton United are riding high in the Suffolk & Ipswich Premier this season. After a disappointing 3-3 draw with struggling Stowupland Falcons the previous week, Old Newton bounced back with a 4-2 win at Westerfield United.

The Club started in 1959 and it has been a swift rise from the lower reaches of the Stowmarket & District League and the Eye & District League. Fifty years on, they are now showing the likes of mighty Felixstowe United and Woodbridge Athletic how to play the beautiful game. Old Newton United's website is a credit to this aspiring club. It is literally packed with information and interesting features. At a glance we can see that Nick Zarkos won the Golden Nugget 1st prize of £105.50 in July and that Club Chairman, Dave Shave, looks a friendly character. The chance to vote for the player of the month was just too tempting for FootballCynic, however. Adam Rickwood can thank FootballCynic if his current 25% share of the vote (thanks to FootballCynic's vote) helps him to be player of the month from the five nominees. As the headline says, "Good On You", Old Newton United.

Handball furore rages on

2009-11-21T11:10:00Z

It's 3 weeks since Stanway drew 1-1 with Wisbech Town in the Ridgeons Premier, but there is still a war of words over a penalty that was awarded against Wisbech Town defender, Paul Cousins. A picture taken from a Nokia phone clearly shows that Cousins did not handle the ball and, to make matters worse, it was clearly outside the area at the time of the alleged offence. Manager Gary Setchell was cheered later in the game when, as he put it, "And then Darren produced a bit of magic to earn us a really good draw. Good results breed confidence and the lads are buzzing right now." Hopes of the match being replayed are fading and Stanway have not offered to replay the match despite the video evidence. It has once again raised the questions of whether video replays should be allowed.

Formation Dancing

2009-11-18T03:57:00Z

Football formations have come under the spotlight at Southampton University and a budget big enough to have saved the Saints has come to many enlightening conclusions. First of all, we learn that teams do not actually line up as 4-4-2, 4-3-3 or 3-5-2 except, perhaps, at goal kicks or at kick off – in fact, when the game is at its least inspiring moments. Further teams purported to be playing 4-4-2 spend less than 3% of the game in an arc which is 10% from the rigidity of the formation (don’t ask what it means). This was calculated using complex calculus that involved dragging some top mathematics student from the pub to rub their foreheads for a few hours.

FootballCynic’s Research Centre has made a more in depth study and can report that teams playing with a man in the hole do not actually position a man in any hole. Occasionally, researchers found small holes at the centre spot or penalty spot, but this was restricted to parks where Sunday morning football is played. The team also has uncovered the fact that wing backs are just full backs that make occasional sorties up field and then cannot be bothered to “track back”. This is fuelling fierce debate as to whether 5-4-1 is really 3-4-1 with two wandering backs playing alongside the back three. No name has been given to Makelele-type players who amble around in front of the back four – in fact, most pundits call this man “the man playing in front of the back four”. FootballCynic’s Research Centre has labelled this role as “anchorman” thanks to hours of consideration by its Think Tank.

Of course, park footballers are often more knowledgeable than the highly paid superstars. On-field screams of “send me” by a quick winger breaking from the 4-2-4 formation are understood to mean that formation will soon be 4-2-3-1 with the one being too shagged out to get behind the ball (as is often heard). In fact, the research team uncovered more revealing shouts that meant formations were being discarded albeit temporarily “back door, Mick” (every team has a player called “Mick” in Sunday football games) was seen as a signal to lash the ball wildly – usually resulting in a goal kick or throw in.

FootballCynic recalls his younger days when a bright young lad joined his team. “Do you play zonal or man-to-man marking?” he asked the gruff old captain. “We just kick the shit out of them wherever they are” was the reply. FootballCynic cannot recall the formation – I am not sure anyone ever bothered to ask. Football Cynic’s Research Centre concluded that formations had become popular due to the fact that coaches in the game had been brought up on Subbuteo and bar table football where formations were more rigid, which is exactly what the mathematics students were dragged from when asked to run their calculations.

Sandgrounders on the way back up

2009-11-15T08:41:00Z

Anyone under 40 who is not a football anorak will know little about Southport Football Club. This team were relegated from the Football League in 1978, but are at last on the way back up. The Sandgrounders, as they are known, have opened up a 4 point lead at the top of the Conference North as they try to get a step nearer to a return to the Football League. Their recent 5-1 win over second placed Eastwood Town helped to open up the gap. The league also has old favourites, Workington Town, who are in mid-table. The northern section of the Conference covers a wide distance as Gloucester and Blyth Spartans face a 276 mile to play each other. As for Southport, the Club seems to be thriving and now includes a local cookery school amongst its sponsors. Let's hope they are not cooking the books to buy success! The FootballCynic office wish the Sandgrounders every success and a return to their rightful place.

The Ultimate FootballCynic Quiz for those with time on their hands No.3

2009-11-04T09:02:00Z

You never know when a FootballCynic Quiz may appear, so here' s another. Can you find the connection between these four? Also, which one is the odd one out? And, which two are the odd two out? Answers on a postcard.

Son of Wayne

2009-11-03T14:10:00Z

Congratulations to Wayne and Coleen on the birth of their son. Wayne Kai, indeed - need we say more? Oh no, it's Kai Wayne. By the way, the Twitter name Kai Wayne Rooney has already gone.

The Ultimate FootballCynic Quiz for those with time on their hands No.2

2009-11-02T17:33:00Z

Every 9.5 months, FootballCynic publishes a small quiz to test out readers of these pages. Here's number two of this fascinating series. Can you find the connection between these four? Answers on a postcard.

Farewell Message

2009-10-29T21:58:00Z

In a division containing four “Welfare” teams, Brodsworth Miners Welfare are, well, faring worse than the other “Welfare” teams – in fact, worse than every team in the North East Counties Premier. After 12 games, they are anchored at the bottom with no points having scored 4 goals and conceded 61. Frustratingly, they have suffered three 1-0 defeats, one of which was against league leaders, Scarborough Athletic. However, in their 12 league games they have scored every number of goals between 1 and 10 except for 3. The 40-50 fans who pack the terraces of their 3000 capacity ground near Doncaster must be disheartened when the league table on their website is abandoned after one game, recording a 9-1 defeat to Hallam and nothing more. Brodsworth Miners Welfare’s most famous son is Lee Snodin. Whether they get back to the glory days remains to be seen, but we will be keeping an eye on their fortunes.

A load of balls

2009-10-21T15:31:00Z

Rafael Benitez has called his defence in for extra training after losing at Sunderland. A delivery of beach balls has arrived at Anfield so that Claudio Reyna can improve his goalkeeping skills. The Liverpool keeper has been blamed by most football experts for misjudging the angle at which a football deflects off a beach ball. Steve Bruce has claimed that hours of practice have yielded the results he expected. “We regularly practise our shooting with different objects on the field. Darren is a dedicated professional and spent most of last week trying to deflect shots off a vole, a dalek and 12 foot inflatable of Ronald Reagan. It paid off”, added Steve with a wry smile. Meanwhile, the FA is to issue guidelines on which objects should constitute the need to stop a game. To a press gathering, a spokesman for the FA said that standard-sized crisp bags and Kit Kat wrappers would not necessitate a stoppage, whereas a family pack crisp bag or three or more burgers that are less than 50% eaten would require the referee to stop the game. Animals would also require the game to be stopped, although rodents would be an exception. Referees are thought to be furious about the plans. One referee stated that it is entirely possible that video cameras may be used for the first time to detect animals entering the playing area.

And The Spurs don't go marching on

2009-10-18T19:32:00Z

If a stranger came up to you and said “Yesterday, I saw Stoke play Spurs”, you might be tempted to go to the BBC football website in case you had remembered the fixtures wrongly. If this was followed by “....and I saw Stoke win 6-0”, you would start to ask the stranger whether he had taken any illegal substances or needed some help.

In fact, you could be mistaken, as Stoke Gabriel beat Newton Abbot Spurs by 6-0 in the Carlsberg South West Peninsula Division 1 East. This league is only spoilt by the fact that, it should be called Division 1 North East, so that it contained all four compass points.

Of course, Newton Abbot Spurs are one of two Spurs in England. The other? Well, it’s Fleet Spurs. In fact, there is no team with Spurs in their name – it is Tottenham Hotspur.

Stoke Gabriel are disappointingly not managed by Jim Gabriel, the old Southampton player, but the nearest name they could find is Pete Gartrell. Known as The Railwaymen, Stoke Gabriel are doing well in their league and currently hold second spot. Despite other wins of 5-1 and 13-0 at home, they are still second to high-flying St. Blazey. Let’s hope they march on even though it’s hard not to support their wonderfully named rivals, Galmpton Gents.

However, the big news at Stoke Gabriel according to their website is the work on the new car park, as you can see.

The Sack Race

2009-10-11T13:29:00Z

We all know that 8 out of 10 cats prefer Whiskas, but FootballCynic can reveal that 99 out of 100 cats knew that John Barnes would not be manager of Tranmere Rovers in November as soon as he was appointed. Indeed, rodents and even some invertebrates would, assuming that communication was achievable, be able to tell you that the Barnes-McAteer dream team was destined to end quickly. In the same division, Peter Taylor left Wycombe Wanderers this week. FootballCynic, in dyslexic moments, often reads their nickname as The Choirboys, which would be very strange and could, with an over-active mind, be the imagined reason for Peter’s departure. However, Peter apparently left by mutual consent – “I’m doing crap, is it OK if I go, Mr Chairman?” rather than “If I sign here and take this brown envelope, I will agree that the contract was cancelled by mutual consent”, it would seem. In the Premiership, we are still waiting for the first casualty and the smart money has already gone on Phil Brown or Paul Hart. Surely, one of these two must go before the clocks go back and winter sets in. In desperation, FootballCynic’s local Ladbrokes is trying to tempt us with a big advert indicating that £10 on Sven’s Notts County to beat Torquay United would earn £100 if it ended 3-1. The double with the terrible twins, John and Edward Grimes, to be evicted from X-Factor looks even more tempting and could turn £10 into over £300 on a damp autumnal Sunday, which was, one must assume, about the amount John Barnes was paid per month at Tranmere Rovers.

Early results

2009-10-04T08:13:46Z

Burnley have started the season far better than anyone expected. Their record is interesting – four straight home wins and four straight away defeats. Further, they have already played the top four, but have failed to score away from home. In the Championship, Doncaster Rovers are worthy of note for collecting four home draws and four away draws from 11 games. In League 1, the most notable fact is that Norwich City fans have seen 29 goals in 6 games at Carrow Road, while a meagre 12 have been seen on their travels. In League 2, it’s Bury that catch the eye with 1 home win so far, but 4 away wins. And, at the other end of the scale, we can reveal that last season’s failures, Sporting Bengal, have notched two victories already this season at the expense of Norton Sports and Corinthians.

Your Ropey League

2009-10-02T08:24:00Z

Basil met Bill Bowo and Apple. “What about Lil?” “D’yer know ‘er?’ asked Bill. He doffed his homburg. “To lose in Berlin would hurt a lot, but we are sporting. But are Villa real? I think they are lazier in training than twenty other clubs. Ben Feeker goes out with Sofia, you know. They were drinking red bull in Salzburg, although the anger they vent spills the drink. But, Ben is a roamer. His wife, Sofia, has Celtic blood in her and ‘er lecture on ajax and omo are brimming with ideas. Anyway, Apple, Nick’ll see her". Basil walked out to catch the rapid to Vienna, stopping to buy something from the Fenner Bar Cheese menu. A Pathetic, Stupid and Vacuous article, you may say – or, PSV, as it is known.

The weekend starts here

2009-09-25T18:30:00Z

If you were asked to name two English football teams with the day of a week in their name, you would quickly get Sheffield Wednesday, but then probably be forced to guess Sheffield Wednesday Reserves as the second. Of course, everyone forgets Cutters Friday, an improving team that was recently promoted to the Somerset County Premier. Table-toppers Cheddar have got off to a flying start with seven wins and a draw from eight games, but ones eye is quickly drawn to the marvellously-named, St George Easton in Gordano AFC, who need a win or two to push them up the table. And the next question, name 11 clubs with Villa in their name. Below St George Easton in Gordano kicking off. (And, if it all kicks off, Watchet Town)

Europa League experiment to be expanded

2009-09-19T07:50:00Z

FIFA has declared the deployment of two extra officials by the goals in the Europa League to be a success. The fact that they made some bad decisions can be ignored on the grounds that the officials were in the right place to make the wrong decisions. News has been leaked to FootballCynic HQ that the experiment is to be expanded such that 20 more officials will be used at each game in a new trial. According to the leaked document, the FIFA experiment will use the extra 20 officials as follows:

+ One official at each corner flag to ensure corners are taken correctly

+ One official to be directly underneath each penalty spot for a worm's eye view of penalty box action. This will require all clubs to build an underground tunnel system. It is thought that the keeper of the moles at London Zoo is being used as a consultant.

+ Eight officials to be suspended on wires 50 feet above the pitch which will run from each corner of the pitch. The officials will be equally spaced to give maximum coverage. A new law will be passed wish will mean that the ball must not be kicked higher than 50 feet in the air.

+ Two officials at each end of the pitch in chairs 50 feet high so that they can officiate on whether the ball passes above the 50 feet high wires

+ Four officials will be placed on a rail track which will have to be added along each side of the pitch. The small train will automatically follow the flight of the ball as the ball will have a sensor controlling each train. Assistant referees will be renamed as linesmen, while those in trains will be called linesmen linesmen.

It is thought that the package of measures will ensure that football is not taken over by technology. The tests will start in January.

Pease Pottage in tapping up scandal

2009-09-11T13:55:00Z

Pease Pottage Village F.C. are believed to be banned from the transfer market for two windows as a result of transfer irregularities. The harsh ban has been imposed by FIFA and seems to have come as a result of a match between Pease Pottage Village and local rivals Ifield Edwards, known as The Villagers. Edward Ifield, an Ifield Edwards utility man, who is a plumber, was apparently tapped up by Pease Pottage Village. Pease Pottage Village’s chairman explained “There is terrible confusion here. Over a quiet pint, I merely asked young Edward whether he could change our cold water tap in the ensuite bathroom as it often drips”. FIFA officials were not available for comment, but there is concern that star names at Pease Pottage may leave if the ban goes ahead.

Shite the window, it’s autumn (the sequel)

2009-09-04T09:26:07Z

Amid the confusion and panic of transfer deadline day, it seems the webmaster of the Crystal Palace website made a small error.Hastily putting together news of the arrival of Claude Davis from Derby County, the webmaster referred to his past appearances at Preston North End by reporting “He made over 100 appearances in all competitions for the Lancashite outfit”. Of course, Crystal Palace made the necessary apologies, although it has been rumoured that Lancashite should have appeared as two words, using the word “Lanca” as a good old bit of cockney rhyming slang.Crystal Palace travel to Preston North End at the end of October – if only Perry Suckling was still in goal for Crystal Palace, it would have given Preston a chance for revenge in their match programme.

Below: Perry holds two balls in hands - maybe, just two of the nine Liverpool put past him at Anfield.

Shut the window, it’s autumn

2009-09-03T07:23:36Z

Transfer deadline day has thankfully passed and we can stop worrying about how many millions Manchester City have spent or whether Sven has lured Ashley Cole to Notts County. It’s funny to be mentioning these two clubs in the same sentence – you can say Man City or Manchester City, whereas it’s Notts County and only Nottingham County if Sven says it (you can hear Sven saying “Nottingham County” in his own distinctive way, can’t you?) And, as usual, it comes with all the rumours, panic and damp squibs.

Column inches are filled with details of unknown East Europeans, who presumably spend August in a cheap hotel near Heathrow, so that they are ready to sign for any club that enjoys the last minute scramble to add to the squad. Of course, it’s not confined East Europeans. There will be “Mick from Hull” posting on the BBC website that they have just seen Richard Dunne on the M62 services buying a Costa coffee with a street map of Hull spotted on the front seat of his car, while “Excited of Southampton” has posted one minute later that Richard Dunne was spotted at a Happy Eater just outside Southampton. Get real, “Excited of Southampton”.

For the fans, it’s a day when work has to take second place. Refreshing your club’s website every five minutes changes the focus of your day from that important sales meeting to dreaming of the line up next week. How would Barnsley fit Kaka into their diamond formation if he joins? Excitement reaches fever-pitch when you see your club’s website has changed after 40 checks. But it’s a huge come down when that reserve you have never seen, although you have heard some good reports, has been loaned out to Kettering Town for 3 months.

And then, the deadline arrives. There’s a feeling of loss. It’s hard not to keep checking for a further two or three hours in case news has arrived late or the fax to the FA was jammed in the fax machine and the FA have allowed a dispensation for a late registration. Sadly, there is no more news and nothing to do. The preparation for tomorrow’s sales meeting can wait until the morning and all we have to look forward for the rest of the week are the Johnstone’s Paint Trophy ties.

Dive bar

2009-08-28T12:54:00Z

So, Mejuto Gonzalez thought Eduardo had been fouled by Artur Boruc, the Celtic keeper, and gave a penalty. Did Eduardo dive or did he just fall over? It looks like the powers at UEFA will dish out a ban for the tumbling Arsenal striker. What strikes FootballCynic as strange is that if Mejuto had made the right decision and waved play on, Eduardo would not be banned - everyone would have forgotten about it within seconds. Mejuto has had a bumpy year or two - only a year ago, he sent off the wrong player after a nasty incident in a Barcelona league match. FootballCynic is sure UEFA can do better though. How about a ban for a corner-kicker if a goal results when the ball is just outside the quadrant? Or, a touchline ban if a manager shouts an instruction that changes a game when 1 yard outside their allocated area?

And last but not least....Yorkshire Main FC

2009-08-27T16:14:00Z

Yorkshire Main FC (or Yorkshire Main Colliery FC until the colliery closed) do not seem to suffer by being the last football team alphabetically in England. They have started brightly in the Central Midlands Black Dragon Premier Division with a 1-0 win followed by an emphatic 5-0 win over FC 05, an appropriate scoreline indeed. Playing in the shadow of Doncaster Rovers and having featured in the Doncaster Senior League for many years, this club has progressed well. Dennis Tymon has been Club Secretary, since about the time Ricky Villa scored that great FA Cup Final goal for Tottenham Hotspurs, and has helped to guide the club through good times and bad times. Their website is packed with information and includes details of the latest National Lottery results, the weather forecast in Doncaster and details of their sponsors, The Royal Mail (presumably, their midfield players arrive late in the box). Below the 2007-8 squad, sponsored by (you won't believe this) Sprotbrough Fish Bar - yes, really. A poll on their website tells us that 59% think it is OK not to tell the ref if he does a Crystal Palace on the opposition. Something for the postmen to discuss in the pub after their fish and chips.

Who ate all the pies?

2009-08-26T07:13:55Z

Many things contribute to the enjoyment a visit of a football ground. For the young, it is simply seeing your team win; for older supporters, it may be a fortnightly chance to slag off the lightweight in the team or to blame the manager or board for everything that goes wrong. For FootballCynic, it’s all about the quality of the beer in the nearest pub, the quality of the pies in the ground and the witticisms in the chants of the away fans. Oh, and a bit of decent football.

FootballCynic recently made a first visit to Wigan Athletic. Sure enough, sat beside an angry fat fan wearing the Wigan Athletic shirt (why do fat people look so silly in replica shirts?), FootballCynic was treated to repeated shrieks of “Martinez, sub him, he’s rubbish”. Having gone through the entire team, Mr Angry With Replica Shirt started back on each player in turn. He was heard to advise his wife, who seemed to spend most of the game with her head in her hands, that he would have hit a “reverse pass”, “switched the play” and “taken on the full back”. The thought of Mr AWRS taking on a full back for pace was bordering on farce.

As Wolves ran out comfortable 1-0 winners at whatever the JJB Stadium is now called, FootballCynic was more concerned about the pies really. A dubious pint before the game seemed to be constituted of cream with bubbles on top. Still, it was only £1.95. However, the steak pie that followed just before kick off was devoid of any steak, it would seem. Pies are important. Sunderland’s fans speak highly of their pies, but league status is not aligned to the pie league tables, as Carlisle United figure highly assuming you like meat and potato pies. In Scotland, Queen of the South and East Fife have bragging rights, it would seem, whilst at Charlton Athletic gristle seems to be a problem. Leeds United may be a tough ground for visitors to face, but the chicken balti pies are apparently unbeatable. Which begs the question “Who ate all the pies?”

No cup fever at towns where motorway services

2009-08-13T15:51:44Z

On Friday 14th August, the FA Cup gets under way yet again. The first games to take place this season, albeit by 15 minutes, are the two fascinating Extra Preliminary round ties in which Eton Manor entertain Stanway Rovers and Hertford Town play hosts to Newport Pagnell Town.

On the surface these games may not seem the most fascinating of ties, but all four sides know they could be just 13 games away from playing at Wembley. Of course, the first team to play a FA Cup game at Wembley this season will be Basildon Town – but, that’s against Wembley FC. Eton Manor manager, Kevin Durrant, is regularly quoted on their website and knows that “We must tighten up defensively” and that “The next three games are important to us”. At Stanway Rovers, cup fever has swept through The Hawthorns. It’s an exciting month or so for their fans as the Quiz for £1 and an appearance by Lennon & McCartney (or is just words by Lennon & McCartney?) follow the day out to Eton Manor (the bus leaves at 4.45).

For Newport Pagnell, you would think it was a big day out too, but there seems to be less enthusiasm despite the fact Pablo Ardiles, the son of the legendary Ossie, is manager of Hertford Town. Apparently, the game has been moved to Friday just so that the TV crews can see Ossie with the real FA Cup on display.

Below, a team photo of the Stanway Rovers team when they were presumably struggling for numbers.

Bent double with laughter

2009-08-06T16:08:24Z

FootballCynic was up late last night and decided that he fancied a quick twitter after a raucous evening at the Football Blog of the Year Awards Dinner. As usual, FootballCynic scooped most of the awards. Afterwards waiting for his taxi home, FootballCynic wrote “seriously getting pissed now, it’s so frustrating hanging round drinking Jack Daniels.” Darren Bent spotted FootballCynic online through Farcebook and wrote “Cool twitter, ‘Cynic”. Then, Darren mistakenly pasted FootballCynic’s tweet into his tweet and told FootballCynic to stop f*****g around. Before he knew it, he had sent a tweet that the world would find so amusing. Who hasn’t hit the send button only to regret it an instant later?

Of course, many players now use Farcebook to describe their momentary thoughts. One England player apparently described his thought of the day as “I have bet an hour’s wages that I can kiss the badge before Didier does”. Such loyalty, indeed. Surely, Manchester City could have offered just a little bit more though. Below: Darren Bent tries to keep a low profile.

Taking the tiger by the tail

2009-08-04T08:24:00Z

Although Tunbridge Wells is associated more with irate letters from "Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells", the opening day of the Kent League season brings Sporting Bengal to Tunbridge Wells. Sporting Bengal will go into the game feeling they have nothing to lose after recording 32 defeats from 32 Kent League matches last year. The Club is curiously based in Essex and is the only team in the Kent League to come from north of the Thames. The club is also unusual in that it is funded by the Bangladesh FA. The Bengal Tigers, as they are known, did not roar much last season - in fact, not at all, but all eyes will be on their efforts at Tunbridge Wells to see if they can record a win at the first attempt this season. Roar, you Tigers.

FIFA consider donuts to decide draws

2009-07-27T06:33:00Z

Sepp Blatter has issued a directive to the FIFA Executive to look at other sports to see if there is anything that can be learnt. For many years, managers, players and fans have felt that World Cup games should not be decided on penalties. Now, an idea has been inspired by the world of cycling. In Illinois, the annual Tour de Donut takes place. It's a normal cycle race except for the fact that competitors eat doughnuts as they race. (See www.bebikeclub.com/tourdedonut/). They can deduct 5 minutes from their time for every doughnut they consume. Sepp feels that extra time could be far more entertaining if the game was decided by the number of doughnuts consumed in the event of a draw. You can hear the pundits questionning whether the introduction of a specialist doughnut eater was a good move with 20 minutes to play. "He's a brilliant doughnut eater, but it will reduce England's mobility at the back". And, then there would be the last minute frenzy as players rushed to eat a doughnut to try to clinch the game. The only question that remains is what to do if the number of doughnuts consumed is a tie. Back to boring penalties? Or, a five minute each way battle consuming French fancies?

The Supporters Direct Cup

2009-07-23T07:29:00Z

I suppose the conversation went something like this.

"Hi. Is that FC United of Manchester?"
"Yes"
"Oh, this is David Charles here. I'm secretary of AFC Wimbledon. We were wondering whether you would like to play us in a friendly before this season as we have so much in common."
"I don't see why not. Where is Wimbledon though? Is it somewhere near Milton Keynes?"
"No, it's in South West London. As we are both proper clubs, I thought it would be nice to play each other."
"Great idea, David. We like good friendlies and while we've been talking I've googled AFC Wimbledon and have found that you are in the Blue Square Premier. That's very good."
"Thank you. Would you bring a lot of supporters?"
"Oh yes, we are well supported, you know. The supporters run our Club, in fact."
"Yes, likewise here. They are very direct about what they want."
"Well, let's call it the Supporters Direct Cup then"
"Sounds great, David. What date?"
"How about Saturday 25th July?"
"Fine"
"Oh, while you are on the phone, do you have the phone number of AFC Liverpool, the new club in the North West Counties League?"
"Yes, hold on a second."

Magpies taken over by kids

2009-07-20T07:33:00Z

No, this is not another Mike Ashley story. The Magpies in this case are Dorchester Town rather than Newcastle United. The club was formally owned by Eddie Mitchell, who has now taken over control of AFC Bournemouth. Eddie has handed control to his two sons, Tom and Josh, aged 21 and 18, who become the youngest owners in the country. Tom also plays for Dorchester Town and feels that he is ready for ownership thanks to his experiences with football computer games. On the other hand, young Josh is definitely ready for the job. According to Dad "...as for Josh, he has worked on the car park at the club for the best part of nine months.....and is looking forward to the challenge".

The move has made FA chiefs wonder whether coaching courses should include 200 hours practical experience playing Championship Manager and a one day course in how to fill potholes in car parks. Meanwhile, a family rift has developed as Josh's 9 year old sister has ordered the shirts to be changed to bright yellow because she doesn't like black and white. Older supporters are up in arms as they feel "it is wholly inappropriate" to wear yellow when the Club has been known for generations as The Magpies.

The Final Premiership League Tables for 2009-10

2009-07-12T15:43:00Z

FootballCynic is proud to be the first to publish the final league tables for the 2009-10 season. How has this been achieved? Well, as we all know Google rules the world, so our crack team of researchers has checked the number of Google hits for each team. There are not too many surprises and it saves everyone the bother of paying good money to see this season's fixture. So, here's the final table with millions of hits in brackets.

Chelsea 85
Liverpool 82
Manchester United 64.3
Arsenal 60
Manchester City 37.9
Portsmouth 28
Everton 22
Birmingham City 21.1
Sunderland 15.2
Hull City 11.2
Aston Villa 10.4
Fulham 9.4
Stoke City 6.1
Burnley 5.2
West Ham United 4.9
Tottenham Hotspurs 4.1
Blackburn Rovers 2.7
Bolton Wanderers 1.9
Wigan Athletic 1.8
Wolverhampton Wanderers 0.9

So, it looks like Manchester United will suffer following Ronaldo's departure and Chelsea will reclaim the title. Meanwhile, Portsmouth will perform better than expected. At the bottom, it will be a tough year for newly-promoted Wolverhampton Wanderers, while Hull City and Burnley keep well above the danger zone. It may be time for Harry Redknapp to move on as Tottenham Hotspurs struggle to keep out of the bottom three.