Football Cynic

Oxford relocates to the north

Football Cynic — Sat, 26 May 2012 08:59:30 GMT

The weather has warmed up and, if you live in Oxford, you may well fancy a trip to the south coast or the Isle of Wight. It’s just 65 miles to the ferry at Southampton – a journey that the AA says you will complete in 90 minutes. Indeed, Oxford City gained promotion from the Evostik South Division thanks to a win against AFC Totton, who play near Southampton.

Football fans of Oxford City may well want to get into the spirit of next season’s football when they head for the coast, of course. However, they will be playing football next season in the Blue Square Bet North Division, which means they have journeys to coastal towns like Workington – a journey of 5 hours – and Colwyn Bay – a journey of just 3.5 hours.

It’s going to be a tough season of travelling for the Oxford City fans as they travel up and down the M6, M42 and M1. They don’t even get to the seaside at Weston super Mare who are in the Blue Square Bet South. FootballCynic can guess what song will be heard at their homes against all these northern teams.

Final day excitement

Football Cynic — Sat, 12 May 2012 11:06:54 GMT

The last day of the Premier League season is almost upon us and FootballCynic HQ has been working on some of the interesting possibilities.

The race for 11th place is one of the more exciting battles. Assuming, Sunderland lose to Manchester United, the 11th place spot is in the hands of Swansea City who will need to beat an unpredictable Liverpool side unless Sunderland lose by nine clear goals and Norwich City and Stoke City fail to get draws or less.

Meanwhile, Norwich City would definitely move to 11th place if they beat Aston Villa at home and Sunderland and Swansea City only drew or lost unless Stoke City achieved a two goal or more better winning advantage against Bolton Wanderers.

If West Bromwich Albion are docked two points for any reason, the whole thing becomes a lot more complicated as Sunderland would move above West Bromwich Albion unless West Bromwich Albion were able to gain a better result than Sunderland or a win by six more goals than Sunderland against Arsenal in the event of Sunderland winning. This would be unlikely in our expert opinion. Similarly, Norwich City could move into eighth place if they win and Liverpool and Fulham are docked ten points and Stoke City field an ineligible player regardless of the outcome of the Sunderland game.

It all makes for an exciting last day as ever.

The Cup Final has already been played and no one told us

Football Cynic — Sun, 06 May 2012 07:07:42 GMT

Like many football fans, FootballCynic had cleared his diary on the Saturday after the last week of league fixtures. He had planned to wander down to the local Spar, pick up four cans of beer and sit in an armchair to watch the game that after 48,120 hours of FA Cup football had matched Chelsea and Liverpool.

What a surprise to find on the News at Ten that the game had already been played. It was not the first game on the fixture list of the BBC website either. It’s not uncommon for more Premier League games to be played on Sunday rather than Saturday, but Arsenal v Norwich City sat at the top of the list with, it transpires, Chelsea v Liverpool below it. This was followed by Bournemouth v Preston North End in League One in the list of fixtures for the day.

The game kicked off at 5.15 p.m., it would seem. Surely, all FA Cup Finals kick off at 3pm. This, in turn, meant that “Abide with Me” must have been sung while Bournemouth and Preston North End were still contesting a competitive game. Shocking news, indeed. FootballCynic understands though that the kick off had to be at 5.15 p.m. as the singer of Abide of Me, Mary-Jess Leaverland (below) couldn’t make it any earlier. And, maybe this is fair enough, as Mary-Jess was the winner of a Chinese TV talent contest.

And the result? Does anyone really care? You’ll find the result just above Bournemouth v Preston North End, which incidentally ended 1-0, on the BBC results page.

Hodgson sacked

Football Cynic — Wed, 02 May 2012 06:46:09 GMT

It emerged early this morning that Roy Hodgson has been sacked as England Manager after less than 24 hours in the job.

A spokesman made this announcement: “We have parted company with Roy Hodgson today. Whilst we would like to thank Roy for his strenuous efforts and dedication to the task, football is a results business and we feel that the England team will benefit by being in the hands of another coach”.

The general consensus is that most people feel that an overseas coach would benefit the national team. In his time at the helm, Roy failed to oversee any wins. He was ridiculed in the national press and unfairly nicknamed “Broccoli Head” by some of the press.

It is believed that Roy has received a generous settlement package. The search now begins for a successor with rumours that Pep Guardiola may succeed. England’s odds to win Euro 2012 have moved from 100-1 to 20-1, we are told.

Southampton and West Ham to contest penalty shoot out at Aldershot?

Football Cynic — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 17:57:09 GMT

In an age when numeracy standards are dwindling, supporters of Southampton and West Ham may find themselves using their mobile phones as calculators at around 2.15pm tomorrow as the Championship season comes to a close with the two clubs chasing the runners up spot. The FootballCynic Statistical Centre tells us that if Southampton draw 1-1 and West Ham win 3-0, both teams will end the season with 86 points having scored 82 goals and conceded 47. So, what happens then? Well, Southampton would be promoted as they took 4 points off West Ham in the games this season. However, if Southampton drew 0-0 and West Ham won 3-0, it would mean that West Ham would be back in the Premiership.

Of course, before 1970 life was so much more fascinating. Goal average was used whereby the goals scored were divided by the goals conceded. On the final day of the season, top mental arithmetic experts would be flown in from across the world to work out the goal average to 29 decimal places.

FootballCynic thinks it would be more fun if the Southampton and West Ham teams were carried by helicopter to a neutral ground – Crawley Town or Aldershot, perhaps, to contest a penalty shoot-out. Now, that would be exciting.

Million dollar goals

Football Cynic — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 08:52:18 GMT

As the Premier League grinds to its conclusion, the focus tends to be on the top and bottom. However, there is an interesting pack of 9 clubs separated by just 5 points – and, indeed, 6 of them are separated by just one point. The prize money in the Premiership is a fraction over £800,000 per place, which means that Stoke City in 15th place are in line for £5.6m, but a good run of results in their last five games could mean a payout of £11.2m.

Meanwhile, in the Ryman League South, Dulwich Hamlet will be looking for two wins in their attempt to overhaul second-placed, Whitehawk, to gain the £750 runners-up prize money. They could still even overhaul leaders, Bognor Regis Town and win £1,500.

So, let’s see whether Stoke City or Dulwich Hamlet give it their all as they go into the last games.

Below, Whitehawk’s rural setting.

On their way back to being part of the furniture – Chester draws

Football Cynic — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 06:04:22 GMT

It’s always sad when an old club disappears or is forced to slip far down the Football League pyramid. The new Chester – they are no longer Chester City, just Chester – have just managed to clinch the Northern Premier League championship after a 1-1 draw at home to second-placed Northwich Victoria.

It’s Chester’s second successive title since they were reformed and it means that they will play in the Conference North next season just two steps away from league status. Their 1-1 draw against local rivals, Northwich Victoria, was achieved with a late goal by Matty McGinn after Northwich had been reduced to ten men. An impressive crowd of 5,005 turned out for the game. This compares well with a crowd of 11 less who attended the top of the table Conference clash between Fleetwood Town and Wrexham. Fleetwood Town still need two points to be sure of winning the title, but look to be ready to step up.

As for The Seals of Chester, they’ve won promotion in a division with potentially interesting play off teams. At present, the four clubs include Bradford Park Avenue, the steadily rising FC United of Manchester, Chorley and Northwich Victoria. It would be good to see an old club like Bradford Park Avenue rise with Chester this season and return to being part of the furniture.

Rock banned

Football Cynic — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 14:30:02 GMT

It’s been a highly successful season for the Gloucestershire side, Tytherington Rocks, in the Hellenic Division One West. They have already sown up the title by a comfortable margin from second-placed, Old Woodstock Town, after a recent 1-0 win at their rivals’ ground. But, morale maybe at rock bottom as the club has failed to upgrade its ground in time to play in the Hellenic Premier next season.

The ground would need floodlights and a hard standing area which means that the Tytherington Rocks’ faithful may have to wait another season unless the FA allows some leeway on the work which can be completed in the summer.

In a season peppered with many big wins, Tytherington Rocks have so far only lost four games, although bizarrely two have been by four goal margins to Wootton Bassett Town (5-1) at the beginning of the season and Winterbourne United in February by a 6-2 margin.

Let’s hope they are allowed a dispensation so that they can keep rock and rolling in a higher division next season.

Guernsey’s 7-1 win puts the gloss on a great season for Matt

Football Cynic — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 07:42:19 GMT

Matt Le Tissier was one of the most talented players of his day and as everyone remembers he is Guernsey’s most famous son.

He is President of Guernsey FC, the newly formed club from the Channel Islands, that joined the Combined Counties Division 1 for the 2011-12 season. It’s been a remarkable season for the club as they have now secured promotion at the first attempt to the Combined Counties Premier League.

Crowds have exceeded 1000 for every home game except for the visit of South Kilburn. And, a whopping 2143 turned out to see them clinch the league title last week when second placed Bedfont Sports provided the cannon fodder in a 7-1 win. All this success means that they are now guaranteed a fixture at Wembley next season – that’s Wembley FC though. So, it’s onwards and upwards for The Green Lions of Guernsey.

Irritating little twerps - and others

Football Cynic — Thu, 29 Mar 2012 02:48:05 GMT

A letter arrived at FootballCynic HQ this week asking us to name the names of the players that we dislike the most. It even accused FootballCynic of sitting on the fence when it came to discussing individual players.

Of course, disliked players come in a variety of types. The first category is the irritatingly talented but obnoxious with it – Cristiano Ronaldo exemplifies this type perfectly. Adding diving to his repertoire of silky skills has irritated many fans on a Saturday afternoon – or, more accurately, a Monday evening when Manchester United usually seem to play.

The second category is the more acerbic type. Players like Craig Bellamy spring to mind here, but FootballCynic doesn’t find the Welshman too offensive and many say he is a nice guy off the pitch. Joey Barton maybe fits into this one too.

The third category is the irritating little twerp category. Now, while some rave about the return of Paul Scholes, FootballCynic can’t wait to see the diminutive midfield hang up his boots and become a pundit on a TV station far from the UK.

The fourth category is the irritating big twerp category. El-Hadji Diouf stars in this one. What Mr Hughes was thinking about when he signed him to save QPR is beyond us all at FootballCynic HQ. Some apparently put Rio Ferdinand in this category, but he is more of an oaf and in FootballCynic’s view avoids the accolade. John Terry makes a bold bid to get into this group, but his penalty miss in a Champions League final lets him off.

Next, we come to the ‘Tired of hearing about’ category – Tevez and Barton seem to score heavily here. Yes, Carlos Tevez is highly talented, but we’ve all had enough of headlines about his possible transfers and spats with Mancini.

Then, we come to the irrational dislikes. Ryan Giggs tops FootballCynic’s list on this one. No, this is not some moral judgement on the off-field activities of Giggsy. FootballCynic really doesn’t care what he does with his aunt or whatever the story is. He is just – well – irritating.

Finally, there’s the overpaid lazy wotsits category and FootballCynic has no hesitation in naming the entire Liverpool team for this award.

You will note that Mr Rooney managed to escape the lists as did David Beckham – some feel there should be an irritatingly squeaky clean category too. So, no more sitting on the fence – FootballCynic has spoken out.

The West head to the south

Football Cynic — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 04:16:18 GMT

West Auckland Town may only be three games away from winning the FA Vase, but it may seem like a minor game for a club that won the World Cup not once, but twice. Yes, that’s right. West Auckland Town won the World Cup in 1909 and 1911 by travelling to Italy to win the Sir Thomas Lipton Trophy, known as The World Cup. The cost of the trip to Italy bankrupted the club and it was disbanded a year later having sold the cup that it won. Fortunately, it reformed and is now building itself for its next big game.

West Auckland, known as The West, have lived in the shadows of Bishop Auckland, the club that dominated the FA Amateur Cup in the first 60 years of the last century. But, 24th March is The West’s day as West Auckland Town head to Herne Bay in Kent for another lengthy trip to play the 1st leg of the FA Vase Semi Final. It’s the nearest they will have come to playing in Europe for over a 100 years, it would seem.

They will face the runaway leaders of the Kent League, Herne Bay, for a place in the final at Wembley. West Auckland expect to take 100 loyal fans down to the Kent seaside. Having won with two late goals at Bournemouth (not the AFC variety) in the quarter final and having won 14 of their 18 league games on the road, West Auckland will be hoping for a good win.

Widnes Town ready to jump the queue the Wright way

Football Cynic — Sat, 10 Mar 2012 08:26:39 GMT

The North West Counties League has received an application from Widnes Town to join their league next season. This leap into the Football Pyramid has been put together with the help of former England international, Mark Wright. At present, Widnes Town does not exist – or, at least, has no players. The proposed ground will be Naughton Park, the home of rugby league club, Widnes Vikings and, it should be added, Everton Reserves.

Whether the application will be accepted may depend on whether a vacancy becomes available. However, as Forest Green Rovers know from magically staying in the Conference every year, a gap usually appears somehow.

League Secretary, John Deal, tells the world that the business plan is far more detailed than others he has received, so it could be full steam ahead for Widnes Town. There is one hitch though. There is already a club called Widnes Town playing in the youth league of the West Cheshire League. Presumably, the business plan will force the current Widnes Town to be renamed.

FootballCynic is ready to send the Football League his 500-page business plan on how FootballCynic FC should be admitted to League 2 next season. If all 10 readers of www.footballcynic.com can find a pair of boots, FootballCynic is ready to turn out in kit to take on the likes of Macclesfield Town. Below: Widnes town.

Avoidable snarls

Football Cynic — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 18:55:04 GMT

Banalised valors, if you’ll excuse the American spelling, is how you might describe AVB’s reign at Chelsea. He suffered a bravado illness and was called las snivel abroad by some. The Chelsea fans sang his name, but he had ballad aversions.

Frank Lampard might claim that he vandalises labor if you’ll once again excuse the American spelling. AVB apparently called him an avid Arsenal slob.

He should have listened to Fergie. “They’re variable lads, son”, he warned AVB. So why did Abramovich fire him? He told the youth team to set fire to equipment – why advise ball arson? Alas, ends rival sob.

Europa League for The Pensioners, it would seem.

England ready for take off

Football Cynic — Wed, 29 Feb 2012 17:37:03 GMT

Stuart Pearce really couldn’t decide who should captain England. He had considered a sweepstake, but this morning his wife, Liz, decided that as it was 29th February that she could make a proposal, though not one of marriage, of course.

Seeing his indecision, Liz took the upper hand as she saw her husband pacing up and down while frantically kissing the three lions on his shirt and trying to unpick the stitching of the letters “F” and “C” from a tracksuit top. “I should decide who is captain if you can’t”, she said forcefully. Respectfully, Stuart turned to her and said “Yes, M’Lady”. It was an “Aha” moment for Liz. “That’s it”, she squawked, “It has to be Parker”. And so, 29 February will henceforth be known as Parker Day - unless we lose 5-0, of course. .

Meet Les, Peter, Don, Brent, Jill and Col

Football Cynic — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 07:23:05 GMT

It could be a quiz but it would be impossible to get, we think. So, these fine people are all real Facebook people with names that are Football League teams. So, from the top left going clockwise, FootballCynic is proud to introduce you to:

Les Terr
Peter Burrough
Don Caster
Brent Ford
Jill Ingham
Col Chester

Time for Bucks to buck up

Football Cynic — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 08:47:50 GMT

The Evo-Stik Northern Premier League is a league where Buxton seem to be coming unstuck. The league is topped by former big time club, Chester, while the rebels at FC United of Manchester are hovering around the play off places.

For Buxton, it’s been a tough season as they try to peg back the six points they need from their two games in hand over Mickleover Sports to avoid the drop. With a new manager, Martin McIntosh, at the helm, they will be looking for a win today over Kendal Town, but it won’t be a piece of cake.

Kendal Town are above halfway and with the next match at Chester, it’s going to be tough time for The Bucks of Buxton. Leading scorer, Mark Reed, banged in his 200th goal for the club during the week to help Buxton reach the Derbyshire Cup Final, but league points are desperately needed. Despite scoring in each of their last 9 league games, they only managed one win when they beat fellow strugglers, Whitby Town, 4-3 before Christmas.

As the highest ground in the pyramid, Buxton will be looking to get to a higher place in the league. FootballCynic predicts a home win today though for Buxton.

Pay as you go deals?

Football Cynic — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 18:24:04 GMT

Sutton United have decided to make it free football down at Gander Green Lane tomorrow when they face Boreham Wood. The game is a rerun of the game that was abandoned on New Year’s Day when the pitch became a quagmire.

The idea is that you pay what you want to go into the ground. It will be interesting to see what the gate receipts are. It would have been more interesting on Sunday if Wolverhampton Wanderers had adopted a similar policy except asking punters to pay what they wanted on the way out.

Below: Police numbers can be reduced at Sutton United tomorrow as fans who tried to get in by dressing as animals can enter for free

Eastwood Ho!

Football Cynic — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 08:04:42 GMT

A curious game of cricket took place yesterday. England played England Lions, a sort of reserve team, in a friendly match in Abu Dhabi. Besides the fact that the game was played in Abu Dhabi, there’s nothing too shocking about a team playing its reserves. Probables v. Possibles matches were commonly played pre-season friendlies at one time. Indeed, Brian Clough met Peter Taylor at a Probables v Possibles game. And, who can forget the game in 1937 where England’s footballing Possibles turned over the Probables?

The game in Abu Dhabi was more unusual because, England Lions scored 96, but England’s 1st team were set a target of 230 to win, which they achieved. It’s a bit like being 2-0 up at half time, but deciding that the score should be 4-2 to the losing team.

But, maybe this is what Eastwood Town, the club rooted at the bottom of Conference North, need. A game against their reserves, giving the reserves a two goal lead at half time could do wonders if they won 5-2. And, you could always tie the hands of the goalkeeper together if the result looked in doubt. Eastwood Town’s last win was way back in October when they won 2-1 at Vauxhall Motors – a cavalier performance, no doubt. Since then it has been a tough time for Eastwood Town.

Firstly, all too few football fans know that Eastwood Town play – surprise, surprise – in Eastwood, which is north west of Nottingham close to the M1. Today, The Badgers, as they are known make the journey to lowly Workington. FootballCynic wishes the travelling faithful a good day out – and hopefully an end to their bad run. Below: Happier days for The Badgers.

Seeing Red

Football Cynic — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 08:11:08 GMT

If one thing is spoiling this season, it is the spate of red cards that have been issued in dubious circumstances. Match of the Day now seems to spend much time analysing each red card rather than focusing on goals or giving us the benefit of Mr Hansen’s insightful views.

FootballCynic sees red cards as a bit like being out at cricket. The umpire has to be sure before he raises his finger and gives the batsman the benefit of the doubt. Of course, technology now means that more marginal decisions in cricket can be given out.

But, what does football do – it encourages referees to send off players for fouls that Norman Hunter would have considered a little nudge, but then denies referees use of technology to check that they have seen it right. To compound it, the FA Appeals Committee always back up the referee unless he has made an absolute bloomer. The result is that players are banned for three games for offences that might look worse than they are in situations where the referee is terrified of missing a red card offence.

The reasons for a red card are becoming more and more spurious. If the foot is raised in a tackle, it is now a red card offence. Have you tried tackling with your feet rooted to the spot? If you’re the last man and make a decent attempt to play the ball but just clip the forward – a margin of error of, say, one inch, you are off. Why? Surely, red cards are there to stop outright thuggery and persistent fouling. FootballCynic would rather see players that moan at referees all the time and ones that are overpaid for their limited abilities to be red carded, to be honest.

There needs to be some action, it would seem. Otherwise, corners that are sliced off for goal kicks, throw-ins taken more than one foot from the right place and tying up your boot laces on the field of play will all become red card offences.

FootballCynic’s campaign starts here. 100,000 signatures would mean that the topic is eligible for debate by HM Government. .

Bowled over by Thomas the Tank Engine

Football Cynic — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 09:32:56 GMT

Vickerstown CCFC play in the West Lancashire Premier Division. The CC in their name stands for Cricket Club, which makes their full name Vickerstown Cricket Club Football Club. Does the local cricket club play under the name of Vickerstown FCCC?

It has been a decent season for the club, currently sitting in sixth place. What’s even more interesting about Vickerstown is that they not only play on the Isle of Walney just off Barrow in Furness, but, more importantly, it is the place on which Thomas the Tank Engine was based.

So, with the weight of the Reverend Awdry and a cricket club on their shoulders, Vickerstown CCFC will be looking to be shunting up the West Lancashire League table, although tomorrow’s game against Burnley United has been called off already.

The result of a Spot the Ball competition from a game between Charnock Richard and Vickerstown CCFC.

From Knappers to Redknappers

Football Cynic — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 07:24:15 GMT

Tottenham Hotspur officials have assured FootballCynic that Rosie, the 47-year old dog, will continue to select the team for Friday’s FA Cup clash with Watford despite appearing at Southwark Crown Court.

It is alleged that Rosie had an offshore bank account called Harry 189000 on the Isle of Sheppey. Rosie’s solicitor has stated that “Rosie does not expect anyone to bale her out. Rose lives modrically in a small house and preferred liver more than beef. Although some thought that Rosie lived like a king, the whole story was complete kaboul and she would be friedel soon.” The dog later admitted that he couldn’t spell or write, but was known to regularly split infintives.

Taking a Knap

Football Cynic — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 19:46:25 GMT

A tweet from TheKnaphillian reads “Into grass roots football? Then support your Real local football team(s). How about Knaphill F.C.” We’ll forgive the missing question mark on the end and we’ll also assume the word “Real” is not in capital letters because they are referring to Madrid, Sociedad, Betis, Zaragoza etc. Or, indeed, the lesser known Real Brunswick, whose last reported game in 2008 was a defeat to Brighton Electricity. Or, of course, Real Hydraquip of the Mid-Sussex League.

No, we think TheKnaphillian means real grassroots football, so the invitation to visit their website was too much for FootballCynic to resist. Indeed, when you arrive there, it is highly interesting. The Knappers as Knaphill are known can offer you Club Cashback – a scheme whereby the Club gains if you spend online. Just spend a few million pounds and Knaphill could play Tevez for 10 minutes one week. You soon find that the Youth team game is off as well as a friendly on Tuesday and, guess what, last week there was game of two halves. When you click through you disappointingly find that Knaphill Ladies only lost 3-1 to Tottenham Hotspur Ladies Reserves, though, to be fair, this doesn’t sound like a bad result.

But, what about the first team? Well, they could do better – 13th out of 18 in the Combined Counties Division 1 means that it is a long way to go before they make Football League status, but that’s hardly grassroots, is it? With no game, it would appear, this Saturday, Knaphill then face mid-table clashes with Worcester Park at home and then away games at Warlingham and Cobham in February. Having played runaway leaders, Guernsey, twice already, Knaphill should move up the table.

So, let’s hope this bit of publicity brings more than 51 to the terraces of Knaphill for their next game. If Alfonso XIII was alive today, FootballCynic is sure that he would become a patron of Knaphill so that they could be renamed Real Knaphill, the team for Real grassroots football. Below: The ticket office is closed; the game has started.

Enjoying the away days

Football Cynic — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 11:00:02 GMT

If you were told that the top team in each division was West Bromwich Albion, Burnley, Hartlepool United, Morecambe, Fleetwood Town, Corby Town and Chelmsford City, you would probably think that the FootballCynic Statistical Centre had gone mad.

However, that’s not the case. These are the top teams in each division that perform better away than they do at home. Let’s take West Bromwich Albion, who have gained a very respectable 51.5% of the possible points away from, but only 24.2% at home. Morecambe’s results are even more extreme – 59% at home and 31% away – 6 wins and 5 draws from 13 away games. In the Conference South, Chelmsford City show the greatest extremes with 13 unbeaten away games (9 wins, 4 draws), but only 4 wins, 5 draws and 4 losses at home.

Of course, the reverse is more common and the greatest difference is shown by Birmingham City who have won 80% of the points on offer at home, but only 30% away.

In the Premiership, the biggest “homers” are Swansea City, Manchester City and Arsenal while West Bromwich Albion, Bolton Wanderers, Aston Villa, Everton, Manchester United and Wigan Athletic have all won a higher percentage of points away from home.

And what about Berwick Rangers? Perhaps, it’s best not to check.

Berwick Rangers to be expelled from Scottish League says Salmond

Football Cynic — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 14:37:34 GMT

FootballCynic understands that Alex Salmond, leader of the Scottish Nationalists, has written to the President of Berwick Rangers, Rt Hon Sir Alan Beith MP, to tell him that Scottish Third Division club must play in England from 2014.

It is believed that Prime Minister, David Cameron, is insisting on an extra question of the much publicised Scottish referendum which will read “In the event of Scotland gaining independence, should Berwick Rangers be forced to play in England?”

Alex Salmond has accepted the Prime Minister’s ruling, but is insisting that there are two responses on the ballot paper – “Yes, definitely” and “Yes, but I don’t care too much”.

It could leave Berwick Rangers without a league, although the committee of the South West Peninsula League has responded warmly and has indicated that they would welcome the club provided that they didn’t mind travelling to the likes of Falmouth Town and Bodmin Town week in week out.

An irate Alex Salmond has reportedly responded angrily to FootballCynic’s interest in the matter. “It sums it all up”, he said, “you will note the FootballCynic website never emboldens Scottish Teams like St Johnstone and Albion Rovers. No wonder, we want independence.” The observation about FootballCynic.com, which is the subject of a boycott north of the border, is expected to harden support in favour of independence.

The only way is St Neots for jungle star

Football Cynic — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 17:49:42 GMT

Think of Mark Wright and you will recall an England centre half wearing a blood-stained bandage around his head bravely battling for his country. Well, you might if your memory was poor as that was Terry Butcher (no relation to the late Pat Butcher, who was always unpunctual).

However, another famous footballer called Mark Wright is in the news. Why? Well, he has joined Evo-Stik Central Division side, St Neots Town.

This is the Mark Wright, who appeared in TV’s TOWIE (or The Only Way is Essex Like Wot Yer Know) and was runner-up on I’m Celebrity (curiously not abbreviated to IACGMOOH). His new manager, Dennis Greene, claims that he has been signed for his football skills, but with Woodford Town from Essex as their opponents tomorrow you wonder if it is his Essex experience that Dennis is seeking.

St Neots Town are handily placed in fourth with games in hand, but there seems to be few jungle-type experiences ahead – visits to Chalfont St Peters and Marlow should ensure he finds restaurants serving better food than he would have had on IACGMOOH. .

Cup a Soup

Football Cynic — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 22:44:08 GMT

So, it’s time for the romance of the cup – the excitement of the 3rd Round Proper. No more qualifying rounds or preliminary qualifying rounds, this is the 3rd Round Proper – there’s certainly nothing improper about this round, we are told.

As we comb through the fixtures, it’s hard to stop yourself looking for the most boring ties of the round. Former winners, Wimbledon, in the guise of MK Dons face QPR. Does anyone care? We doubt it. Birmingham City face Wolverhampton Wanderers. Does anyone care? We doubt it. Of course, Shrewsbury Town travel to Middlesbrough – but it’s hard to get excited. Hull City play Ipswich Town. Huh, boring, eh?

So, where is all the fun? Well, back in September, Staines Lammas won 2-0 at Harefield United in a replay. Now, that was interesting. And the most boring tie of the round? It has to be Peterborough v Sunderland on Sunday. FootballCynic thinks all the games mentioned (except for the splendid Staines Lammas game) will all end as 0-0 draws with no excitement whatsoever. So much for the romance of the Cup. .

The sponsored ones are doing FootballCynic proud

Football Cynic — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 07:47:08 GMT

FootballCynic has sponsored the kit of four players this season. It’s roughly halfway through the season and a good time to see how our stars are performing. All the clubs are in mid-table or better with Newhall United flying highest.

Richard Foster, centre half of Newhall United, has led his team to third place in the Leicestershire Senior Division One. With games in hand, Newhall United will be hoping to hit the top two spots in the second half of the season. Richard has scored three league goals including an important goal in the recent 3-2 win over FC Khalsa. The unlikely named Caterpillar is the team to catch though having won all 13 league games as they run away (rather than crawl away) with the lead.

At Godalming Town, Scott Harris has continued to do what he does best having scored 14 goals for The Gs. Scott scored a late winner in a 1-0 win over Chipstead Town on Boxing Day, which keeps Godalming Town comfortably in the top half.

News on Lewis Tozer at Thamesmead Town is harder to find. The club is placed in mid-table after two home wins ended a poor run of form.

Chris Henry of Shifnal Town is once again the club’s leading scorer with 15 goals. The club is placed in mid-table of the West Midlands Premier League in a closely fought division. After a 4-2 defeat to Gornal Athletic, they will be looking to bounce back against lower placed Sporting Khalsa.

Scott Harris nets the late winner against Chipstead Town.

Letters to Santa

Football Cynic — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 06:57:47 GMT

Boldmere St Michaels, Bugbrooke St Michaels and Meltis Corinthians may not be teams that the average football fan knows too much about, but these are the three teams which have all the letters of Christmas in their name. Meltis Corinthians appear to win as their name is only 17 letters in length.

Boldmere St Michaels, known as The Mikes, play in the Midland Alliance. The team, based in Sutton Coldfield, are currently in the lower half of the Midland Alliance.

As for Bugbrooke St Michaels – it’s going to be a happy Christmas in Northamptonshire for some fans. Although their website leaves you wondering about their form as the league table is frozen at P1 W1 D0 L0, further research reveals that The Badgers are in second place five points behind Harborough Town with three games in hand in Division 1 of the United Counties League. However, their first league loss last week at home to lowly Northampton Sileby Rangers may dampen spirits a little today.

Turning to Meltis Corinthians, it is a sad story – the team seems to have folded at senior level and we are left with struggling Meltis Albion, a club that only has just over half the letters of Christmas. Bedford will be a sadder town this Christmas.

And so, before FootballCynic prepares for his Christmas festivities, we are left to consider the league teams that contain 8 letters of Christmas – Manchester United, Manchester City and West Bromwich Albion are the three, but that isn’t at all interesting, so it’s time for a morning bucks fizz.

Below, The Mikes in action.

Referees to be sent on language course

Football Cynic — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 16:54:15 GMT

Following the ban on Luis Suarez for a racist comment, it has been claimed that the FA is racially prejudiced against players from Spanish-speaking nations. It seems that referees and FA officials would not understand racial or abusive comments made in many other languages – for example, Korean, Arabic, Russian. It means that players from some nations currently have an unfair advantage.

It seems as though the FA are responding quickly and have found a quick solution as all referees will be forced to learn between 5-10 racist comments in up to 40 languages within the first two weeks of 2012. Racists from around the world are being flown in to teach the referees the offensive terms.

Streets Ahead

Football Cynic — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 10:54:11 GMT

FootballCynic HQ is often asked ‘which English town or city appears most in the name of an English football team?’ You might think it is Manchester, but besides the obvious two heavyweights of that city, there is only FC United of Manchester and East Manchester. At a pinch, you could claim a fifth - Godmanchester Rovers. Interestingly, if you multiply the average attendance at FC United of Manchester by the average crowd at East Manchester, you get the average crowd at Manchester United give or take a handful.

Turning to Birmingham, you only get a pathetic one – Birmingham City itself. Why does no team want to take the name of that city into their name?

So what about London? Only five, it would seem – Kingsbury London Tigers, London APSA, London Colney, London Lions, Sport London East Benfica. Now, at least, some of these five are interesting if not terribly successful.

So, on to Leeds – what do we find there? Two, yes, just two – Leeds United and Leeds Carnegie – one worse than Bradford who have their “cousins” in Bradford upon Avon to thank for making it three teams.

Newcastle manages five – again thank to cousins at Newcastle under Lyme, but Newcastle United, Newcastle Benfield, Newcasle Town, Newcastle University and Newcastle Blue Star take the city to that barrier, it would seem, of five.

Sheffield does no better – there’s only the obvious two and a team just called Sheffield – can’t they have a surname to make it easier?

And the winner? Well, it’s not obvious. Tucked away in Gloucestershire is the small town of Street – and there are six teams with Street in their name – Andover New Street, Chester Le Street Town, Graham Street Prims (yes, really), Park Street Village, Potter Street and Street itself.

Street play in the Toolstation Western Premier Division and are currently below halfway after a run of 8 games in which they won 1 and lost 7. This week they face Longwell Green Sports, the team they defeated in that poor run of form. Best of luck then to The Cobblers as they are known.

Ghurka rifles in, but it's disallowed for offside

Football Cynic — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 13:41:39 GMT

One of the most fascinating games for FootballCynic this week was the South Asia Cup semi-final between Afghanistan and Nepal. A goal by Belal Arezou for Afghanistan broke the deadlock in the 100th minute and left the Nepalese with a mountain to climb, so to speak. Nepal are managed by Graham Roberts, whose career included stints at Tottenham Hotspur, Rangers and Chelsea.

Afghanistan now face hosts, India, in the Final. You just wonder whether Afghanistan have a player called Khyber, so that the headlines could read “Khyber pass leads Afghans to victory in India”. Nepal now compete in the Sherpa Vans Trophy.

Avast me hearties!

Football Cynic — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 13:12:00 GMT

It’s best to plan in advance and Capello will be looking ahead to England’s first game in the Euro 2012 finals against France. The first game is played in Donetsk and FootballCynic would respectfully like to offer Fabio the benefit of intensive research carried out at FootballCynic HQ.

First of all, the tourist guides come up with six “not-to-miss” restaurants. Disappointingly, one of these is an Irish pub called the Golden Lion, which should probably be left for Trapattoni and his charges. The alternatives offer food from Marrakesh and Mexico or described as Latino or “a wide assortment of European cuisine”. None of these look suitable for England’s superstars, so we are left with The Korsar restaurant.

The Korsar looks ideal for England’s needs – local traditional food served in what is described as “a snazzy restaurant designed as a pirate ship”. The guides continue to explain “...and, of course, a bar pouring out genuine pirate drinks.” This, of course, sounds ideal as Capello seems keen to ensure that his players are allowed to relax more after keeping them cooped up in South Africa. Below: The Korsar in Donetsk.

Firing Duds

Football Cynic — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 14:04:31 GMT

One of our sponsored players, Chris Henry of Shifnal Town, has been relegated to the subs’ bench for the last two games, but it hasn’t stopped the striker notching three goals in two games. Firstly, in the impressive 8-0 win over Dudley Town, Chris netted twice and, then, in last Saturday’s narrow 3-2 defeat at Dudley Sports, Chris scored another. Tonight, Shifnal Town face Dudley Sports again in the league. Let’s hope our sponsored hero scores a few and gets his place back in the starting eleven.

Below: Christmas lights in Shifnal, presumably switched on by Chris Henry .

Fun and more fun at Birmingham City

Football Cynic — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 13:41:33 GMT

A letter of complaint arrived at FootballCynic HQ this weekend. It came from a Birmingham City fan who calls himself TSB. He sounds like a man you can bank on.

The main thrust of TSB’s lengthy complaints (about 1000 words) boiled down to the following:
1) FootballCynic always overlooks the Championship
2) Birmingham is ignored as a city on www.footballcynic.com
3) Birmingham City is a “fun” ground with witty fans
4) Birmingham is a major soccer city

So, it would seem FootballCynic needs to deal with each of these issues. First of all, TSB may have a point about the fact that the Championship is not covered as fully as other divisions, but let’s move on from that.

Well, if you google “Birmingham City funny”, it’s hard not to stop by at the Aston Villa fans’ forum where you can find many witticisms. For example, thieves broke into the Birmingham City trophy room and escaped with the whole contents – please be on the lookout for a man with a roll of carpet under his arm. You know the sort of thing.

Tantalisingly, though, you soon find a website which is called “Birmingham City – Fun Facts and Information”. And, the first fun fact? Frank Womack made 515 appearances for Birmingham between 1908 and 1928. Well, did he? It’s hardly fun and the other facts don’t come under our heading of fun at FootballCynic HQ.

So are the fans witty? Well, it depends on your definition of witty presumably. FootballCynic’s last visit there was witty if getting back to your car in one piece and finding it with four wheels still on it comes under the heading of witty. What a laugh that was!

So, is it a major soccer city? Well, it’s not doing too bad. Aston Villa and West Bromwich Albion are both in the top half, although the funsters at Birmingham City are suffering in the bottom half of the Championship. It’s not London or Manchester standards, but it’s OK. Still, the Birmingham fans can look forward to the visit of NK Maribor in December and there could be some chance for fun when the announcer at the ground tries to pronounce the names of the visitors.

So, TSB, it seems the jury is out, but more Championship and more Birmingham City in this article means that some of your objectives have been fulfilled.

Below: Real fun at St Andrews, although the lad seems to realise they need Superman to get out of the Championship this season.

Turned out nice again for Formby

Football Cynic — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 14:53:47 GMT

When North West Counties team, Formby, lost 5-1 to Bootle in the Liverpool Senior Cup this week, the number of goals in the game would not have surprised fans of the club. In fact, this season in their 18 games, there have been 92 goals, so the 5-1 score was only just above the average.

You might think that it would drive The Squirrels’ fans nuts and you could well be right as in the previous game they leaked four goals at, er, Leek CSOB. In the game before that though, they lost 7-4 to Norton United, which must have come as a relief after two amazingly low-scoring 1-0 defeats to Daisy Hill and Ashville.

It seems that although Formby score plenty they often concede one too many, although their 6-3 win at Cheadle Town earlier in the season was one of their better results. I guess fans of Formby could see the glut of goals coming – a pre-season friendly resulted in an extraordinary 10-5 win over the Hare and Hounds.

Still, things might change now as we understand that Graham “Grumpy” McLoughlin is back in goal after a long lay-off. Eeh, isn’t it grand?

Pot Luck

Football Cynic — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 08:47:25 GMT

So, the pots for Euro 2012 have been decided. Bizarrely, Ukraine and Poland, the co-hosts, have been seeded in Pot 1, so that heavyweights like Germany and Italy are relegated to Pot 2. There’s some interesting rankings too as former champions, France, are in Pot 4. With England seeded in Pot 2, it means England could face Spain, Portugal and France to qualify for the quarter finals.

The preferable draw would clearly be Spain, Greece and Ireland, which would allow football fans to make the first economic chant ever of “Your debt is worse than ours” in all three qualifying games. We could even move on to play Italy in the quarter finals, so that our Wayne can hear the chant echoing around a bleak stadium in Donetsk or Gdansk as he punches a diving Italian.

Still, at least England’s brave John Terry will be OK as long as Capello tells him to write “Shake Hands” on the back of his hand as a reminder to pump the hand of each opponent after the game to comply with Sepp’s doctrine.

Blyth Spirit

Football Cynic — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 07:52:17 GMT

One of the most fascinating ties of the 1st round of the FA Cup today is the local derby between Blyth Spartans and Gateshead. Anchored at the bottom of the Blue Square North, Blyth Spartans will relish the chance to beat their rivals, Gateshead, who play just 18 miles away. Gateshead are riding high in the Blue Square Conference just one place outside the play off places and hoping to regain the league status they lost in 1960.

It’s not often that visitors to Blyth Spartans have such a short trip. On average, their fixtures in the Blue Square North are a round trip of 337 miles and include a long haul to Gloucester City which is a round trip of 553 miles.

Their season started well with a 2-0 friendly win over the mighty Partick Thistle, but league results have been disappointing with only two wins. On Monday, they lost 1-0 away to league leaders, Hyde. However, they are just two wins from the chance to play at the Sports Direct Arena. Let’s hope they can make it a memorable day.

Below: The official Blyth Spartans Choir warming up for the big game.

Home, Sports Direct, and don't spare the horses (or the apostrophe)

Football Cynic — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 19:42:50 GMT

And so, we are now down to one St James Park, the home of Exeter City, although you could argue there was always one. The Exeter City website is quite clear that it is called St James Park whereas Newcastle United, in a way that the Artist formerly known as Prince was once Prince, now play at the Ground formerly known as St James’ Park – with an apostrophe, you will note.

So, it’s the Sports Direct Arena where the Geordies will entertain Chelsea on 3rd December and already the stadium tours are advertised on their website with the curious wording “A tour of the Sports Direct Arena will show you around one of the most impressive stadiums in the UK”.

A piece of history being destroyed may disappoint many Newcastle United fans, but they can, at least, be thankful that they have not suffered some of the horrors. Non-league Witton Albion, who played until recently at The Bargain Booze Stadium, while York City played at KitKat Crescent. But, dear readers, you can relax. FootballCynic.com will never get taken over by a sponsor even though www.sportsdirectcynic.com has a certain ring to it. Below, the real St James Park.

Lancashire hotpots

Football Cynic — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 18:23:19 GMT

It might be doom and gloom in Lancashire as far as the Premiership is concerned as Bolton Wanderers, Blackburn Rovers and Wigan Athletic sit in the relegation spots. However, not all of the residents of these three fine towns are hanging their heads.

In the North West Counties Division 1, Wigan Robin Park are in third place whilst Bolton club, Daisy Hill, are three places behind. Meanwhile, Old Blackburnians are celebrating a 4-2 win tonight at table-topping Rochdale St Clements to move into sixth with enough games in hand to go top of the Lancashire Amateur League Division 1.

Below: Wigan Robin Park against AFC Liverpool.

And it’s a disaster

Football Cynic — Sat, 22 Oct 2011 10:00:47 GMT

FootballCynic has persistently made it clear that he doesn’t like teams with ampersands in their names, but it would seem this season that they are cursed. Of the 50 teams with an ampersand in their name, only a handful of the teams are in the top half of their respective league tables.

Brighton & Hove Albion command a respectable 10th in the Championship, while Totton & Eling may feel slightly smug with their mid-table slot in the Wessex Premier.

For the most of the others, relegation already looms. Hayes & Yeading labour in 20th place in the Blue Square Bet Premier and Walton & Hersham sit at the foot of the Rymans League South, while Kirkley & Pakefield, Felixstowe & Witton, Chessington & Hook, Felixstowe & Walton, Norton & Stockton Ancients, Mauritius Sports & Pennant and many others are all in the bottom four or five.
Today, Hampton & Richmond Borough play Havant & Waterlooville in the Blue Square Bet South. Both are struggling with Hampton & Richmond stuck at the bottom. Disappointingly, Havant & Waterlooville use the word ‘and’ in the website address, but their website is full of ampersands, so they clearly deserve their low status.

To hammer home the point that ampersands do not pay, the Essex Senior League has Bowers & Pitsea and Haringey & Waltham Development in the bottom two slots. Anyone for Manchester City & United?

The Sort of Ultimate FootballCynic Quiz for those with time on their hands No.8

Football Cynic — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 21:44:16 GMT

It's been a while since there has been a quiz and it's been a while since we have seen Mr Tevez. However, which is the odd man out and why?

Dance star predicts Arsenal to come 8th

Football Cynic — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 07:13:42 GMT

Lee Dixon predicted last week that Arsenal would finish between 6th and 8th this season. Dancer and football pundit, Robbie Savage, was asked if he agreed with Lee. He replied that he thought they would come 6th or 8th, but definitely not in the top six. Do you mean 8th then, Robbie?

Suffolk fools gladly

Football Cynic — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 07:02:21 GMT

The draw for the Suffolk Cup was made on Saturday – it looked like any other non-League draw when the following ties came out of the hat - Achilles v Whitton Utd, Felixstowe Utd v Cornard Utd, Lakenheath v Team Bury, Long Melford v Ipswich Ath, Ransomes Sports v Melton St Audry’s, Stowmarket Town v Beccles.

However players, officials and fans of Grundisburgh, Leiston St Margarets, Haughley and Corton were confused – their teams did not come out of the hat. The reason? The Suffolk FA forgot to put the teams which had first round byes into the hat for the second round. So, now it’s a re-draw on Saturday as the original draw has been declared void.

Are there red faces at the Suffolk FA? Are there apologies to the fans of Cornard United who were looking forward to a day out at Felixstowe United? Well, not yet. The Suffolk FA’s website refers to “technical difficulties with the Suffolk FA Senior Cup draw”. More of a cock-up, FootballCynic would say.

England's failed bid explained

Football Cynic — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 18:03:29 GMT

Well, now we all understand. The FA revealed today that it only spent £21 million to try to persuade the FIFA representatives that England was the right venue for the 2018 World Cup.

The question is - who decided to be a cheapskate and only set a budget of £21 million? Surely, this sort of sum doesn’t go far. By the time you have flown David Beckham and Prince William around the world a few times, it doesn’t leave much to spend on each of the FIFA voters. It’s rumoured that Russia’s budget of £890 million was much more realistic and contributed a little to their successful bid.

Plans for a 2026 bid are already in the pipeline with Wayne Rooney and the winner of Strictly Come Dancing to be our ambassadors. The budget is set at £199 plus some WH Smith vouchers.

Below, Russian deputy Prime Minister, Igor Shuvalov, is pictured about to shove a lot of details of offshore bank accounts to Sepp Blatter.

Plymouth facing a rare conundrum

Football Cynic — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 07:37:05 GMT

In a week that sees the lives of Steve Jobs, Graham Dilley and Bert Jansch come to an end, it’s hard to know where to start. The heroics of Dilley have been remembered and the creative works of Steve Jobs are also recorded at length, but it is the curious case of Bert Jansch that still befuddles FootballCynic.

FootballCynic saw Bert Jansch on two consecutive evenings not because he particularly liked his brand of music, but because he was supporting a band he did like a lot. On the first night, he was the typical, likeable support act – generous applause throughout and a brief standing ovation at the end as he left after the 40 minute set. On the next night, he played, or, shall we say, tried to play the same set, but was booed from about the 10th minute by an ungracious audience. He left the stage after about 25 minutes – around 14 minutes more than most people would probably try to survive – with his head held high.

Perhaps, footballers have the same problem – heroes one game, villains the next. As England head to Montenegro for a dull game that matters a lot if you support Team England, the headline writers will already have a headline lauding Rooney for his mega-display and another headline blaming him for England’s abject failure. To FootballCynic, the game seems dull – almost as dull as the thought of those fools who will spoil a good English breakfast by trying to watch England play France in a sport that is fast tumbling from its rather irritating reputation of being ‘proper sport’ played by ‘proper sportsmen’.

For FootballCynic, he is more interested in how Plymouth Argyle perform against Accrington Stanley and whether they can lift themselves from being the Football League’s basement club. FootballCynic’s one visit to Home Park was the most welcoming experience ever; the fans deserve so much more. They have now been banned from signing loan players as their path down to the Conference is being gently engineered by those chaps at the FA. Playing Accrington Stanley, a club that folded itself in 1963, makes it a curious game and far more interesting than Friday evening’s viewing or, of course, Saturday morning’s. A Plymouth win? FootballCynic hopes so. To use the title of a Bert Jansch song “It’s a rare conundrum”.

Tevez wrangle set to carry on

Football Cynic — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 17:15:36 GMT

What do Manchester City do about Carlos Tevez? After the misunderstanding, generous offers have come in from Limavady United, who compete in second division of the Northern Ireland League, and West Ham United of the Conference South.

The offer from Limavady United came from vice chairman, David Brewster, and effectively offered to take the Argentinian off their hands for the season so that he could keep match fit. If Mr Tevez had bothered to visit the club’s website, he would have discovered some interesting facts. The club was founded in 0, the number of fans totals 0, the club plays in the Premiership (?), and the manager is blank. Their latest result appears to be a 3-1 win over Clifton on 26th April; the previous result was a 3-1 defeat at the hands of Malachians on 12th December. So, it would seem, there’s not much scope to keep match fit there.

As for West Ham United’s offer, it would seem that Javier Mascherano ought to be there too. FootballCynic has offered him a role as a roving journalist, but there is a worry he would sit in the press box and refuse to write anything. Now, where’s the offer from Pease Pottage Village to really tempt the wayward Argentinian?

Below, Tevez and Mascherano practise their 16 times table.

A few pints of Fosters

Football Cynic — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 08:17:05 GMT

One of the best decisions that the board of FootballCynic.com ever made was the decision to sponsor the kit of Richard Foster of Newhall United. The centre half described by General Manager, Dan Bishop, as “Mr Dependable” has been setting Derbyshire alight this season.

Although based in Swadlincote in Derbyshire, Newhall United play in the Leicestershire Senior Division 1 – and, what’s more, have started well. With four wins from five league games, they are handily placed in third placed behind Friar Lane & Epsworth (and, as everyone knows, we don’t like teams with ampersands). Their only defeat was at the hands of runaway leaders (and curiously named) Caterpillar, who have turned into butterflies and banged in 39 goals in 7 games, though only two against Newhall United.

Newhall United have become the team to watch at home this season with their last four results sounding like Andy Murray’s latest game with wins of 6-2, 7-5 and 6-2. Richard Foster has netted four times this season, clearly inspired by his FootballCynic sponsored kit.

This weekend Newhall United face lowly Shepshed Dynamo Ressies at home – at FootballCynic HQ we will be looking out for another tennis score – 6-0, perhaps.

Below: Richard Foster scores against Sileby Saints. The Sileby Saints’ keeper appears to be practising his clay pigeon shooting.

Space junk, female impersonators and Ogogo

Football Cynic — Sun, 25 Sep 2011 17:20:22 GMT

The Americans apparently had no idea where about 500kg of a burnt out satellite was going to land on Friday, but made it clear that if it landed your back garden it was their property. What they didn’t make clear was whether they would pay for a new garden shed if the satellite flattened it.

Whether this should have awoken mighty Manchester United to threats from a great height is arguable, but it was Peter Crouch whose header took the first points off the champions in a 1-1 draw at Stoke City.

At Fenerbahce this week, the crowd was limited to women, children and female impersonators on account of a ban of the unruly elements at the club. Meanwhile this weekend, struggling Plymouth Argyle ran a Fans Reunited campaign as fans from many clubs came wearing their shirts to support the struggling Argyle. The confusing array of colours confused the visitors, Macclesfield Town, sufficiently to allow Plymouth to win 2-0 and gain their first three points of the season. They still languish in 24th spot though.

Of course, we all know about Leon Noel, the Liverpool youngster, whose entire name is a palindrome, but keep an eye out for Abu Ogogo who netted for Dagenham & Redbridge this week. Now, we openly tell the world how much we hate clubs with ampersands, but is there another player out there whose surname is a palindrome? And, if so, does his club have an ampersand in their name? The search begins.

Below: The crowd at Plymouth Argyle - enough to confuse Macclesfield Town.

Red mist

Football Cynic — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 11:20:39 GMT

Tuesday night was quite a night for the Blue Square Bet Premier. Here are some of the scores:

Alfreton Town 0-1 Barrow
Bath City 2-0 Luton Town
Fleetwood Town 1-1 Kidderminster Harriers
Southport 1-1 Wrexham
Now, if they look like low scoring games, they are, in fact, the number of red cards each team received, while it’s worth mentioning that Bath City, Fleetwood Town, Braintree Town, Forest Green and Darlington all picked up four or more yellow cards on the same night. Fleetwood won the count of goals in their match by 5-2 to jump into fourth place. However, bottom-placed Bath City managed a 1-1 draw with leaders, Luton Town, ending the game with nine men.

Tough as Hyde

Football Cynic — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 17:49:05 GMT

Even for those with a good knowledge of the geography of England, FootballCynic would put a bet on the fact that few would be able to put dots on the map for the top five of the Blue Square Bet North. How would you do? There’s Stalybridge Celtic, Guiseley, Gainsborough Trinity, Colwyn Bay and, league leaders, Hyde. Well, Stalybridge Celtic and Hyde are near each other to the east of Manchester, whereas Gainsborough Trinity and Guiseley are in the middle of nowhere in particular and Colwyn Bay is somewhere on Welsh coast – at least, we’d assume that if there is a bay there.

But, it’s Hyde that are firing on all cylinders with 10 wins from 10 games gaining more than twice the number of points of sixth-placed Corby Town. The man banging the goals in is bearded Scott Spencer with 12 goals in the league so far.

For many, Hyde are remembered as the team that was thrashed 26-0 in the FA Cup by Preston North End in 1887; for others they will remember defeating Newton Heath (now known as Manchester United) in the unofficial Manchester Cup Final of 1888. If they win promotion this season, The Tigers will be one step from being in the Football League.